Why do people kick you when your down?

[HillsongFan]

I had a really bad spell of depression in my teenage years, ending up in me leaving school and lashing out at people, at that time nobody saw the depression only the behavior caused by it. I felt judged by everybody which added to the depression and was a vicious cycle until I hit rock bottom at bible camp (of all places) and managed to get past it. I lost five stone, went back to school and started a healthy relationship. I'm now in my twenties and married and have had another slow building depression, started off as low mood and anxiety and through counselling the anxiety has subsided.

But I have terrible low motivation and daily mild depression. I also get a much deeper depression for a few days at a time. I'm back to my old weight even though I am doing my degree from home (Open University) I am not a fantastic student and I'm really struggling with mess and clutter. I feel people are kicking me when I'm down and judging me as lazy again.  Have a friend who lectures me on housework, decorating, not working, how little my husband earns and my weight. I feel like people expect me to change so much in such a short space of time, I don't even know where to begin. Just sat here in a shame spiral because of all the little nasty comments. I know I should start the housework but feel very shamed into it to be honest. Sorry for rant but not sure how to get out of the cycle this time.

[Pip]

Unfortunately people who don't suffer with depression don't understand it's a real illness or the problems it causes.  I started suffering with depression when I was 12 or 13 which became severe when I was 19.  My parents didn't realize I was suffering with depression so I lost count of the times I was told to pull myself together, stop being a drama queen and that I was moody.  For many years I put a front on so nobody knew the truth.  In 2005 I had a meltdown so was officially told I suffer with severe depression.  When I told my parents I may as well have told them I had a cold.  My sister found out the truth in 2011 that I was severely depressed as we hadn't spoken for 12 years and she rang me to let me know our mum died.  I asked her not to tell my dad had bad it's been - I have a history of self harming and suicide attempts - and as far as I know she has respected my wishes.

Does your friend know you suffer with depression?

Is there any chance she can give you practical help such as with housework?

 

[HillsongFan]

Hey thank you for your reply. No she doesn't have it at all and she doesn't know I do. I made the mistake of telling her someone in my family had bipolar and she looked horrified and now pulls a face when I mention her. Also told me to make sure 'History doesn't repeat it's self with me' was extremely offended and didn't want to discuss it anymore.  No she didn't offer any help just a stern warning to make sure I did it.

[tom9279]

Hi..
I know these moments too well..
I have got a friend who constantly lectures me : if I would not drink alcohol all my problems could be solved"
I have to admit I do drink every now and then.. and when I do then really heavy.. and get into a psychotic state which is defo not good.. but I am not drinking in the week when I'm at work etc.. anyway..
my friend does not understand that there is more behind my behaviour than just the drink.. (I was diagnosed to be an alcoholic years ago, which I did not understand but believed eventually until now)
I always get lectured and reduced to this one thing and they don't want to know about any depression or bipolar disorder..
this is hard and it's isolating..
so I do feel for you.. but have no real advice, sorry.. I'm new to all this myself and trying to find a way to understand everything that happens with the illness I have got..

I told my friend yesterday on the phone..that if he doesn't stop to judge me and only wants to tell me off then I don't want him to call me anymore.. I don't wanna justify to everybody.. I know myself I messed up things badly.. I don't need another one to kick me down..
he made me so angry that I almost lost my temper again.. it was hard to calm myself down again..

hope you are a bit better today x

[lostmyway]

Hi HillsongFan

Sorry you are going through all of this right now.  Some are so judgmental about how you live your life and for some reason think it's their divine right to tell you (and it certainly isn't).
The lack of motivation I understand as i am currently not working and its a vicious circle.  Depression is one illness that is very misunderstood by a lot of people and a lot are stigmatised when others come to learn you are suffering from it (and society generally speaking).  Im told its easy to get a job, just go and get one... Is it that simplistic ?  Then get told i have no work ethic? They should try living in my hometown they might understand then (but i doubt it lol).  Depression can affect you in so many ways.  People are different, we don't all have the same personality, and the same way of looking at life. We all have different life experiences.  My depression was caused mostly by lack of a job, confidence issues and so on.



I am also doing an OU Degree at home which has been a fairly welcome distraction for the most part.  It has made me realise I can work hard when i need to and to say i just choose not to is a nonsense and somebody else's opinion, nothing more.  When people try to lecture you like that, I think you just need to go conveniently deaf when they start and ignore it if possible.

Empathy and understanding (and help) goes a long way.

[beautydylan]

  I hope you feel better soon, people who haven't experienced true depression don't understand what it's like 

[Martin]

As others have said; many people who have never suffered do not understand it and it seems harsh when they react the way they do. I hope your friend will be supportive if you told her and I honestly think a good friend (true friend) would be supportive no matter what.

I have suffered since my teens and have scars on my arms from my early 20s and some from more recently some 30 years later and now, after 20+ years of marriage, I have realised I have deprived myself of a supportive wife during those 20+ years by not talking about how I feel.

Sure, she admits to not understanding but is my friend through the good and bad.

The best thing is to tell someone you can really trust.

We all need to trust and talk to someone - I wish I had realised that years ago.