An old newbie!

[scardeycat]

Hi,
I've been a member of this forum for some time, but have never before had the nerve to post anything. Why would anyone want to speak to me?
I have physical health problems alongside depression and complex PTSD. At the moment, I'm going through some what of a crisis and I badly need someone to talk to, someone who understands and who doesn't presume that the way I'm feeling is going to change overnight.
It's been a really bad year, nothing has gone right and I'm left having to fight everything, fight all the time, just to get the benefits I'm entitled to, I'm left fighting to keep my house, fighting to find the money to feed myself, everything is a fight.
I'm so tired of fighting though. I don't want to have to fight anymore. Just for once this year, I want something to go RIGHT; but no it's just more and more things going wrong. I can't take anymore.
I had to make the decision earlier in the year that I was unable to work. It was not a decision that I made lightly and fought against making for as long as I could. I'm still relatively young. I should be able to work. I've worked all my life and I hate the fact that due to my disabilities working is no longer an option for me. Please believe me when I say if I could work, then I would work. I was made redundant from my last job and though it sounds strange to say, I was glad to be made redundant.
I was working part time, as I had only recently returned after a period of long term sick (12 months) due to depression and "back pain"

I was injured whilst serving inthe Royal Navy, and it has led to a number of health problems whic leave me unable to walk without the use of crutches, unable to sit or stand for long periods, and chronic fatigue.

The depression was diagnosed offiially in 2000 - just after my discharge from the Navy. However, it was something that had been there for a number of years. I'd just never gone to the doctor about the way I was feeling.

11 years on, and at the moment, I'm as low as I've ever been. I've started self harming again. Just to get a release from the tension, the self loathing, the feelings of utter worthlessness.  I take a number of tablets anyway because of my physical health problems. Every night though, I'm taking my normal medication but every night I'm adding in 4 or 5, or more extra tabets in the hope that just maybe I won't wake up. That it will put an end to this. It will put an end to the misery, the pain. The sad thing is, I'm not even sure that people would really care if I was successful I don't appear to be important to anyone. My mum and dad are still around. My mum lives over 1000 miles away though and has her own life. My dad lives close to me but again he has his own life. Yes, I know they both love me and they both care. I'm just not sure that I'm really that important in their lives. I'm not important in anyones life. Least of all my own.
All I want from life is to be important to someone - to be an imprtant part of someones life. To have someone who comes home to me at the end of every day, someone who considers me to be important. All I want is for someone to love me. (By which I man other than parents) However., I see myself in the mirror and I am repulsed by what I see.I find myself so utterly repulsive it literally makes me feel physically sick. I can't find anything in me to like, let alone anything in me to love. I'm hardly fun to be around I don't have a sparkling personality. I don't have charisma, I don't have anything. I'm just a fat, repulsive, miserable excuse for  human being. Why woud anyone love me? How could anyone love me? What is there to love?

I had one friend that I trusted utterly. I trused with my heart and my soul. She was the one person I thought would always be there for me, the one person I thought understood a little because she too suffers from depression and has physical health problems. However on my last visit to her (She lives miles away from me) it was a visit we were both looking forward to, to get to spend time together. My chronic fatigue kicked in though, and all I could do was sleep. Not because I wanted to be rude or anti social, or that I wasn't enjoying myself but because I literally couln't help it. I was reaching the stage where I was so tired my eyes wouldn't fous. I wasn't seeing double, I was seeing triple. So, she hasn't spoken to me for 4 months because she was annoyed that all /I did was sleep. I've tried to explain, to apologise but it makes no difference. I can't even keep the one person I trusted so totally.

I'm now under my local mental health crisis team. I've got psychiatric nurse coming out to me every other day. They ask me what I want- if they could wae a magic wand and make everything better what would I want things to be like. For a start, I want to like myself a little bit more. I want to be able to look into a mirror and not be repulsed by the person I see there. I want to believe that there is something in me that is worthy of someones love.

I want to be able to enjoy things again. At the moment, even the things that I've always previously enjoyed aren't interesting to me. I want to be able to feel happy again. I can't remember the last time I truly felt happy. How pathetic am I?

I'm sorry, I've probably bored everyone rigid by now. I guess this is just a desperate hope that there might be someone out there who understands at least a little about how Im feeling. That there might be someone out there who is willing to talk to me and listen to me. Someone who can offer support; but someone I can support too.  Someone who can (virtually) relieve the uter isolation and lonlieness I feel. 

[Zaf]

Hi scardeycat, you are very welcome here to share your feelings and you can take it from me that we really do care about each other.

I'm not much use to you atm as I'm pretty low but I'm sure that others will be able to help.

Its great you could get all your feelings down,  it helped me massively to be able to do it a few months ago,  hopefully it helped you too.

Zaf xx

[Lol]

Hi scardycat I admire you a lot for being able to get all that down. You have been through an awful lot and it is no wonder you are feeling this way. You have a right to feel this way. It is very very difficult for you. It makes me so sad to see that you don't like anything about yourself at all. It is very possible the depression is making you feel that way. Can you remember a time when you did like yourself and admired qualities in yourself? When was that? What did that feel like? A career in the Navy is very important, thank you for serving in our forces I admire you, you must have been very proud of yourself. How were things for you before they went so terribly wrong?

Lol

[Depina]

Hi
Just want to say welcome to you, no-one here would be bored with your letter, we just feel for you, I understand some of the feelings you have, you have had so many knock backs it is not surprising you feel like you do. I can only say that people on here really do care and will try to help you as much as they can. and listen too.
Take care
XX

[scardeycat]

Hi scardycat I admire you a lot for being able to get all that down. You have been through an awful lot and it is no wonder you are feeling this way. You have a right to feel this way. It is very very difficult for you. It makes me so sad to see that you don't like anything about yourself at all. It is very possible the depression is making you feel that way. Can you remember a time when you did like yourself and admired qualities in yourself? When was that? What did that feel like? A career in the Navy is very important, thank you for serving in our forces I admire you, you must have been very proud of yourself. How were things for you before they went so terribly wrong?

Lol

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I can remember a time when I had confidence, and when there was things about me that I liked. It was when I was serving in the Navy. It's weird, but it was both the best time of my life and the worst time of my life. The worst because I was injured and the majority of the medical staff didn't believe that I was in pain. I was constantly told that I wasn't in pain it was in my head, that there was nothing wrong with me. That the reason why I was insisting I was still in pain was because I didn't want to continue with the training. That couldn't have been further from truth. It was the ideal career for me, I was going to do a trade that I would have been good at - I was going to basically be a linguist, /the idea was that I would be trainied to civil interpreter standard in arabic. That would then enable me to listen in on any communications that were coming in - friendly or otherwise. I love langtuages, I'm good at languages. But; it wasn't to be.
It was the best time of my life because I went from being an only child to having this big family around me. I went from being the outsider to being with people who understood me. You could guarantee that whatever was happening, someone there would have your back.
I was engaged to the person I thought was the love of my life. I'd met him after coming out of an emotionally abusive relationshop and I was suspicious at the start. When he said that he'd phone me at a certain time, I expected him to let me down. It was what I was used to. But He surprised me from the start. He phoned hwen he said he would, he came down on the train to see me (he was based in Scotland and I was in Plymouth) From the start, the relationship was great. We adored each other, and he wasn't afraid to tell me that he adored me, that he loved me. Don't get me wrong, I didn't get together with him when I was on the rebound, there was time between coming out of the abusive relationship. We had the perfect relationship or so it seemed. Although it wasn't easy being long distance, we trusted each other and we spoke every night. When he could, he would get weekend leave and come down and see me. After a while, we became engaged and I was the happiest I thought I could be. He accepted my phyisical disability, He didn't just see my crutches when he looked at me, he saw me as me, as a person. The person that he loved.
It was really strange how we broke up, I was at home on leave and he was getting posted out to America for 3 months. He was a submariner so as he would be underwater we wouldn't even be able to speak. So, we spoke before his posting and we set the date for the wedding, or rather he told me the date that we were getting married. He told me that he had got the permission we needed from his commanding officer, and he had arranged everything. At first, he didn't tell me it was to be our wedding day, he just told me that I was going to America to see him. He told me that he would pay for everything, but that I neded to take a nice dress with me. It was only when I questioned him on what type of nice dress he was referring to, he told me that the date was set for the wedding, he had wanted it to be a surprise.It was an emotional conversation. We were both in tears because we knew that we wouldn't be able to see each other or speak to each other for a number of months and we knew it was going to be hard. The following day I had an answer machine message from him that literally said "pheasants. Ask me about the pheasants when I'm sober" That was the last /i heard of or from him. I couldn't get hold of him on the phone - even before the posting. It got to the stage where I had to phone his parents and check he was ok becaue I was concerned about him. 
To this day, I don't know why we ended. Perhaps more to the point, I don't know about the pheasants!

Luckily, I still had my 'family' around me and even the people who hadn't approved of our relationship were there for me. They all had my back.

So, that was the last time I remember feeling happy, feeling confident. It had nothing to do with my relationship that was just a pleasant aside, I was going to do ajob that I loved, I was with people who understood me, I was no longer looked upon as a freak.
I guess in a way, I've never got over having to leave the Navy. It certainly wasn't through choice. I don't know that I've really accepted my disability. though I have no choice but to live with it. I was lucky that I got a full time job as soon as I left the ?Navy. For a time, I even enjoyed the job. Life became harder and harder though, My health condition deteriorated and has continued to do so until I've reached the stage I'm at now. /Unableto work because of my physical disabilities and chronic fatigue. No friends to speak of, no life to speak of. Although the depression had always been in the back ground - even before joining the Navy I guess my disability has exacerbated it. It's hard living with pain.

As I said though, this year nothing has gone right. The most recent thing is that one of my cats has disappeared. Even to me that sounds a little trivial. But, he was my boy. e was my favourite /I guess. He was th one I could guarantee would always give me affection, He would curl up on the pillow next to me at night. Everyone else he would run from. In fact he was the inspiration behind my user name. He was called scardey! He was my boy though. He's been missing for 3 weeks and I think I'm going to have to accept that I'm not going to get him bacl. If it wasn't for the fact that he would run from everybody else, I would assume that he had just adopted a new 'mum' an would perhaps feel happier. But he would only come to me. I found out recently that he was worht around £600 so I think he may have been stolen. But I just want my boy home. 

[scardeycat]

It's funny. On here, I can put down my feelings. I can spill my guts as it where. In real life though. I can't discuss how I'm feeling. I just clam up.

Something else that has happened recently. I would like to ask peoples opinions on. I went out for lunch with my friend, and met her boss. I liked what I saw, and one night when my neighbour and I were having a drink and discussing our taste in men; I happened to mention that her boss was very much my taste. She took it upon herself to matchmake and told him that I thought he was hot. The next thing, and she told me that he wanted my number - I was obviously ok with this, and she passed my number on. He then refused to text me, because he didn't want to be the first one to text. I ended up with his number, and after the courage provided by a bottle of wine, I text him and asked him out. I have to admit, I presumed he would say no. He apparently knew who I was and therefore what I looked like so I just presumed he would say no. To my surprise though he said yes and we arranged to go out for a drink. For 2 weeks prior to going out we were texting each other, and the texts were getting more and more flirty. Even while this ws happening, I was expecting him to back out. I was expecting something to come up that meant he had to back out, or if that didn't happen, I was expecting to be stood up.
As time went on though, and he started flirting more and more via text, I started to believe in myself just a little. I started to believe that just maybe there was something in me to like.
When we eventually went on the date, everything seemed to go well. He said that he wanted to see me again. I ended up staying overnight with him. Nothing happened in that way, we just went to bed and cuddled. The next morning, I asked again if he wanted to do it again sometime and again, he said that he wanted to see me again.

Then, for 4 days he completely blanked me, I'd text him and he wouldn't reply. Even when i text to say thank you and that I had had a good time on the date he didn't reply. There was just nothing. In the end I text him and asked him what I had done wrong.
It was only then that he replied to me telling me that I hadn't done anything wrong, but he just wasn't ready and had no time. 
Given that we had time before the date, I would have thought that he could have worked that out then. Nothing happened in between time to suddenly take up more of him time. As for not being ready, I would have thought that he would have known that before the date. So why agree to going out at all? Why say that he wanted to see me again?
He's made me feel completely worthless. It's like he allowed me to start believing in myself again but has then taken that away, and has taken a little bit more away too. He obviously finds me so repulsive that he can't even be honest with  me. If he had just been honest from the outset and say thank you but he wasn't ready to start a relationshop and didn't have any time.
It's clearly just a lie that he's told me to 'spare my feelings' that's ended up hurting me all the more though, because clearly it's me. I'm so worthless and so fat, ugly and utterly reulsive that I'm not even worthy of his honesty.
Am I wrong to feel that he led me on?

[Lol]

Hello Scardeycat. I'm so sorry to read the sadness and disappointment in your story. It is very sad and unfortunate that you were getting on so well in your career to have it end so disappointingly. You have some excellent qualities. You are very dedicated, intelligent, enthusiastic and loving. It sounds like you are well respected among your comrades and a true investment to the navy.

You have been treated unfairly by both the submariner and your friends boss. On both counts it is unclear as to exactly what happened and that uncertainty is very unsettling I's not at all surprising that you are feeling knocked back but it is not a reflection of your worth. It is possible that your friends boss perhaps really wasn't ready for a relationship but he thought he was at the time. Maybe he is suffering from a simelar depressive fatigue and did too much and realises he wasn't ready after all? He could have been clearer of course, but he doesn't find you repulsive otherwise you would not have got on as you did.

To have your beloved cat disappear is also terribly sad. A lot of very stressful things have happened in a relitively short amount of time and brought about a lot of change and uncertainty and it is far too much for anyone to be expected to cope with. It is no wonder you feel the way you do.

I can see that your faith in others and your faith in yourself has deteriorated and this is very confusing and disappointing for you. However you have written some very powerful things here and are able to understand your predicament and articulate it very well. Aside from your desire to have a relationship, I can see three massive qualities that stand out as some good potential for your future; you like to be around people and feel part of a team, you are dedicated and focussed on what you put your mind to, and you are good at at languages. I understand that the Navy was your chosen career and it is heartbreaking that you can no longer serve, but is there another career in which you can utilise these incredibly important qualities? They are worth so much.

I'm glad you feel you can get some of your feelings out here. It is so important not to internalise these feelings and brood on them although sometimes that is the hardest thing to do. Be good to yourself and try to get plenty of rest and don't challenge yourself too much. Your body and mind need time to recover so that you can feel yourself again when you are ready.

[scardeycat]

Thanks Lol.
It would be nice to believe that it was only after the date that he (my friends boss) wasn't ready for a relationship. It would be nice to believe that it wasn't me that was so repulsive, so worthless so as not to be worth even his honesty.
I know he has been hurt in the past, and has some bad experiences with women; but I would never treat someone the way that he has been treated in the past - or indeed the way that he has treated me! He just never gave me a chance. For his part though, he won't even acknowledge me on the street. I took a poster in when my cat first went missing, and he threw it in the bin. When my neighbour questioned him about it, he came up with the rather spurious excuse of 'health and safety' because if they're found with an animal on the premises they can be shut down. Clearly, there was only actually a picture of an animal so that's knocked that into submission. Then it was if someone had found the cat and taken him into the restraunt. Now, call me odd, but if I were to find a stray cat, or an apparent stray cat, my first thought would not be to take said cat to my local restaurant! Even if the restaurant was where I'd first seen the poster. I'd maybe go back to the restraunt (minus the cat!!) and make sure I had the phone number that was clearly printed on the bottom.
It's the fact that he won't even acknowledge me on the street though. What did I do so wrong, so bad that warrants such apparent hatred? More than anything I want someone to love me. To be honest though, I can't imagine any man ever being stupid enough to want to be with me.

[Lol]

Scardy Cat I think these are questions you need to ask him.

[scardeycat]

Scardy Cat I think these are questions you need to ask him.

Yes, you're right. They are the questions that only he can answer. Given that he won't even acknowledge me though.... I know he's not worth my tears or heartache. Sadly though, that knowledge isn't enough to stop the hurt and all that goes along with it.
My friend did ask him out right why he hated me - and he claims that he doesn't. He just does a good impression of it! If it wasn't for the fact that he has made me feel so worthless, so utterly replusive I probably wouldn't be bothered. It's just the fact that the whole sorry thing has knocked me, it's the fact that I started to build a little self belief, and I feel as though that's been taken from me. I'm sorry. I know I'm stupid to be hurting so badly. The reason I'm hurting so badly isn't because he doesn't want a relationship - I just feel that he gave me reason to believe in myself again, then took away that reason. Sorry.

[Lol]

Yes I understand. It's the disappointment of starting to believe in something and having your belief crushed. I don't believe this was a refleaction on you though, but on him. I understand that that is not how you have interpreted the situation, but I don't believe that your belief in yourself should have beed damaged here. You, as anyone would, reacted normally to what looked like a positive situation. He then did something thoughtless but you have transferred this onto yourself. There was no need to do that. You can believe in yourself. It doesn't sound like this was a reflection on you.