an introduction to me

[craig84]

so my journey through depression started with a suicide attempt because I just didn't want to feel the emotional pain I did anymore... this was brought onn by a broken home growing up, struggling through life since my independence at 15, failed relationships with women, a wreckless lifestyle in my teens, a feeling of worthlessness brought on by my fathers impossibly high standards given my circumstances amongst many other things....

I feel there are reasons we "end up" the way we do and through my studies I have been able to identify where my problems came from, as you read this you may be thinking this guy is just trying to place blame, which was true when I first found some things out but after time you can turn what you saw as blame as maybe trying to understand why you were mistreated or are afraid of arguments, why you always end up with a certain type of person, why you are drawn to certain groups or why you use drink or drugs as a way of coping. its all been incredibly interesting and I am so self aware of my problems now which has helped immensely. i sabotage relationships when they are going well, reading into why i do this, it boils down to being abandoned as a child when mum left the family home, the fears i have these days of being abandoned by the person i love means i will push them away before they have a chance to abandon me... hyporcritical huh... i know this but still do it, i had a relationship end early this year and i tried so hard to make it work and not to push her away, i was doing amazingly well believe it or not, only to be abandoned by her because things got hard for her, i worked away and we only saw eachother on weekends.  the way she ended it was completely out of the blue and so unexpected it rocked me to say the least.
just a lil egsample of how my past effects my present!

so my treatments since diagnosis. have been a mixture of of AD's and counselling which have and haven't helped.
after the suicide attempt i was almost sectioned but i avoided that as i was too scared to be in a mental unit at the time and was reffered to mind, my first ever experience with a counsellor and it helped immensely i have to say. i was there for 6 months and then got a job and tried "life" again....
tried to get back into mind but couldn't get seen quick enough so i joined oasis open door, a place for people with drug and alchohol services that also offered counselling, they were good too and i got to a point where i felt ok again and after trying "life" again a period went past and i fell again....

these circles have continued and im back at the point now where i have just started taking AD's again (fluoxetine 20mg) and am waiting for a counseller from nhs.

I cant say im too optimistic about the nhs counselling though i had CBT with them before and the dr said she couldn't see me anymore and i should read cbt for dummies. nice one doc, i did get it and there was nothing in it i didn't know. .... a dummie i am not!
i have been part of a group with CMHT ...... it lasted about 2 months .... had the kind of shrink who just sat waiting for people to speak. he pulled me up after a session to tell me to stop challenging the other people in the group with my questions and i told him if he wont do his job ill do it for him, go get a job in security if you wanna sit on your ass and do nothing. were here for a reason and your not helping i told him...

so i have no real faith in our NHS, charities are ok but the problem there is they are stop gaps for shrinks, places they goto to get experience and they move on after a period. you could be in your second session then be put back on the waiting list because a therapist has moved on ... happened to me a few times.

we are all in control of our own destiny and i feel and think that its us who do all the work... we all have ups and downs and its recognising when we are down and bringing ourselves back which seems the hardest.... but i found something that helps.... understanding our thought processes helps a lot, understanding why the state of mind your in is making you feel a certain way is paramount in turning that around!
****An introduction into transactional analysis (TA TODAY)
by ian stewart & vann joines
helped me understand and recognise my thought processes and i hope it does with you too.

ive tried paying for my own therapy too but i lost my job due to my depression and couldn't continue it .....

lol i have no idea how this comes across i was just blabbing to my new friend.... the computer screen lol
hope you all have a little laugh with how i put some things. i didn't swear anywhere as much as i normal do :p

my mood today is -  depressed - anxious (jobcentre appointment) lethargic ( i just do things without thinking the past few months) im happy i can rant on here though - - hope to meet and get on with a few people on here :)   

[stewart]

Hi craig, welcome to the forums, you are right about the NHS, they are not the best at times, and MIND has a very good contact sessions, many people here have used them at some point.

there are many AD's around, it is just a case of finding one, or a combination of 2 or 3 that work best for you.
i have mentioned this in another thread, just because one AD does not work dont give up on them, maybe you could keep a note pad handy to write down your thoughts throughout the day and show it to your doctor.

[SteveW]

Nice to run across someone who uses the term "shrink." It drives my psychiatrist mad when I use it to describe her. You seem to be in a position a lot of people get into. They achieve a pretty sophisticated understanding of the roots of their problem yet they remain steadfastly depressed. Understanding doesn't guarantee change.

I'm glad that Transactional Analysis has given you some useful tools. It was never my chosen perspective but I tend to believe that decent therapists get results no matter what theoretical perspective they adopt. I hope your next round of therapy translates understanding into lived reality.

I also hope you don't get an idiot who recommends CBT for Dummies. As books of its type go it isn't even at the very top.

I'm sorry that you had to resort to someone in private practice for therapy. Fees can be obscene. My standard rate was £60 an hour but there was one guy in the city I lived in that charged £150 an hour. Why people went to see him I never knew, he was s**t anyway.

I hope you'll gain some benefit from this site. I tend to use it as somewhere to keep a journal but I'm sure there must be any number of different ways to use it.

Best of luck.

[Pip]

Hi Craig, totally 'get' the placing blame as I've done the same.  I've learned to accept the cause of my depression, put the blame on the person who was instrumental and gone on to accept that I can't change the past.  I have forgiven that person for what they did to me and it was as if a weight was lifted from my shoulders. 

[craig84]

Cheers Stewart -
 your right understanding doesn't guarantee change, just paves another step on your path I guess. Another thing I found with understanding is it brings acceptance that certain things weren't your fault. I think with a few people they may blame themselves for things that just weren't there fault, I know its the case with me and im still seeing myself as worthless.... I don't think ive accepted as much as I might understand things though.

so what was your chosen perspective? i have a few friends who suffer from some form of mental label who have good perspectives on things!
will keep my eye out for your journal

 hey pip :)  -
  Even now i understand and accept the past and various reasons for my depression im still bitter about it, hard done by is another way of putting it but i also feel an elemant of entitlement to feeling depressed, like "i went through this, so its ok to feel sheet" but i know that way of thinking just drags out being miserable ... i just cant change that feeling right now.

thanks for your replies,

Take Care