Can someone please help me?

[Keren]

Thanks for the welcome Kate..   I've been sorting through some things this evening. I haven't said before but I still live in the same house where everything happened. I know it's not a good idea, but it was out of my hands. My husband bought the house when my mum fell ill. She wanted it that way so she could stay at home as long as she was able to. It's so hard living here, there are too many bad memories everywhere, but there's not much I can do about it and even if I could, I wouldn't feel confident in an area that I didn't know.   I've sorted through old photos and things of his that I haven't ever wanted to look at or touch. I've thrown it all out now.  My hands are still shaking a bit, seeing photos was hard. I should of done it a long time ago

[KateG]

Well done Keren, that was a very brave thing for you to do &*(

[Sweetpea]

Good for you keren, as kate says that was a very brave thing to do.  Well done.

S x x

[Zaf]

Well done Keren &*(

Z xx

[Keren]

I'm not sure it was such a good idea now. Im glad they're not in the house anymore but I should never have looked at the photos. I'm such an idiot. Im so tired and upset all the time. People think I've got a cold..    I just wish I hadnt looked at his photos!   

[Sweetpea]

 &*( &*( for you keren.

S x x

[Keren]

I'm sorry to sound so negative but I'm really feeling bad right now. I'm so,so stupid for looking at the pictures of him. His eyes had no soul and now I can't get his image out of my head. I really just wanted to get everything to do with him out of this house, but it's only made me feel ill. It feels like he's always going to haunt me. I haven't been able to sleep and I'm really shaky. Is it normal or is it just me being stupid? I wasn't expecting to feel like this. I wish I'd just left it all there now.  Sorry to bother you..   I feel like I want to hide away somewhere

[KateG]

I think it's an understandable reaction. But hang on to the fact that they are in the bin, you never have to see them again. If you had left them in the cupboard then they would still be haunting you, knowing you would have to deal with it at some point. You have done it now and you should be proud of yourself

[Sweetpea]

 &*( never think you are bothering us, we are here for you.  As Kate has said they have gone now and you were very brave to get rid of them.

S x x

[Keren]

I understand what you are both saying, that they are all gone now, but I still feel like he is here. I'm not that good at explaining myself, but it's as if I can still feel his presence here in the house. I sound like I'm paranoid now!but it's the way I'm feeling. I've had a bad day today, and I feel really guilty because I keep saying that.. I don't know if I'm supposed to be feeling better now or not.. At the moment I don't feel like anythings going to be getting better any time soon. I'm finding it so hard to concentrate on anything, even something like cooking dinner is hard.. I can't seem to sleep, yet I'm so tired. All I want to do is sit and cry, but I can't keep doing that.     I'm struggling

[Sweetpea]

Please don't feel guilty, you are in the house and you still have the memories even though you have sorted through his things. 

You can write your feelings down here and we will listen. 

Take care

S x x

[Keren]

Sometimes I feel so claustrophobic living here. The memories are all around me, in every room I go in. I know it's the same after someone you love has died, but these memories hurt in a different way. Something happened in every room. I don't sleep upstairs anymore. Apart from my marriage being rubbish the bedroom is where he raped my mum for years. Thats what has affected me most I think. It has ruined my life, what I do, how I think. I sleep downstairs on the sofa and have done for the last 3/4 years now. It used to tear me apart listening to it happen. I don't even know how to talk about that, it's too horrible. The guilt I felt was extreme, and still is. I couldn't help her, he was a very strong man and was much bigger and stronger than me. But I've always wished that I'd tried to stop him. I did stand up to him sometimes when he used to hit her, but then he'd turn on me. He punched me in the side of the head once and knocked me out because I grabbed his arm to stop him hitting her...  I've always had terrible guilt because I never asked anyone for help, but I was terrified. If I had said something to someone and they hadn't believed me, I would still have had to have faced him. I'm sure he would have killed me...  He was such a popular person in public and everyone loved him, so I'm sure no-one would ever have believed me..   Even now I can't sleep at night without music playing because that's what I did to block out the sounds of the rapes. I just wish I could get it all out of my head

[KateG]

Does your husband know how you feel about the house? Is there any hope of you moving? &*(

[Keren]

He knows nothing about my past except that my father had a temper.He doesn't care about other people.He believes the past is in the past and you should be able to forget it.He heard someone upset about their past on tv years ago and said how stupid she was,that there must be something wrong with her if she couldn't get over it.. See why I've never told him?  We don't communicate much anymore. If I had any family I'd leave.. It's his decision to stay here. I haven't really got a say in it, but to be honest it's always scared me to think of moving to a different area that I don't know. I'm not confident with new people and a new area would be daunting.. In recent years I had a fear of actually leaving the house, even going into the garden was very hard. I knew I had a big problem and it took me nearly 2 years to feel able to walk up the road again without panicking.. I didn't have any help at all, I couldn't tell anyone, and I didn't really understand it, but I suppose it was a form of what's wrong with me now.  Thank-you so much for listening to me and trying to help, because it's so hard when you're trying to cope with something alone.. I think I would have been lost last night if I hadn't known someone would be listening here  x

[KateG]

Sorry you're having to deal with a really tough situation. We try and help and even if we can't help, we can at least be here to listen &*(