Can someone please help me?

[Keren]

Hi, for years I have blocked out my past but it has caught up with me. Ever since I was little I was beaten and verbally abused by my father. He used to snarl in my face like a dog and tell me I was worthless and useless. He used to call me 'it' and I was never allowed to get upset because to him it was a weakness. I ended up not being able to look people in the eyes because I had no confidence and I stopped talking. He made me terrified of doctors, telling me horror stories of mental hospitals and promising me I would be put in one.  From the age of 11 I realised he was raping my mum and I had to listen to it because it was happening in the next room to mine. I could never help her..  Now it has all come back to me and Im finding everything so hard. Im just about getting through each day at the moment.. I cry all the time now and I feel like I can't go on at times. Today has been very tough.. I can't talk to doctors, I am afraid of them and anything associated with them.. I have no family and my husband just scorns people who can't get over their past.. No-one has ever known about my childhood.   I feel so alone and I don't know what to do...   

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome keren,

I really feel for you, you have been through an awful lot.  Is there a female dr at your surgery that you could maybe see, this would maybe easier for you.  You really need help to help you deal with what has happened to you in your past.  Counselling and CBT would help you too.  You cannot carry this with you on your own.  Dr's and counsellors will have heard things like you have been through and will be understanding and of course it will be confidential.

 &*( for you.

S x

[Buttercup]

Hi and welcome Keren.

I had a tough time reading your post as it was a little too close for comfort.

I suffered in silence for many years until I was forced to see my GP. It did take a couple of visits before I was able to start talking about things, but she was very understanding and said how brave I had been.  Don't be afraid of talking to your doctor, it helped me a lot.

Love Buttercup xxx

[Zaf]

Hi Keren, I agree with shaz, if you could find a female doctor you may be able to tell her how you are feeling and get some help

Z xxx

[Keren]

Thank-you everyone for your messages x  I had such a bad day yesterday I felt like giving up. It's good to not feel so alone.  I'm sorry to sound negative but I'm genuinely frightened of doctors.. My father used to take me on sundays from the age of 7/8 to a mental hospital where you could see the patients in the grounds. It wasn't a good place and I saw things a child should never witness. He used to tell me horror stories of what happened inside the hospital and drummed it into my head that I would be put in there.. It terrified me so much. I've been frightened of doctors ever since and I haven't seen a GP for years. I have no trust in them (which I know is wrong, but it's the way I am). I feel ill just thinking about seeing one.. I don't think I'll ever be able to talk to a doctor.  I hope you can understand why I feel like I do   

[Zaf]

do you think you could cope with a counsellor?

Z xx

[Keren]

It sends chills through me  I don't think I can.. This is the closest I've ever come to telling anyone..  I get really panicky just thinking about it

[Zaf]

none of us are qualified or anything but we will help as much as we can

Z xx

[Keren]

Thank-you so much. I really do appreciate it and I'm sorry to be so negative about talking to someone.. I know it doesn't help much that I'm like this..I've been like it for so long   

[Ezel]

 .>, &*( abuse is terrible to deal with and just remember you are not to blame for what happened to you or your mum, your dad is to blame.

[Keren]

.>, &*( abuse is terrible to deal with and just remember you are not to blame for what happened to you or your mum, your dad is to blame.

    Thank-you Pip,  he was very manipulative and controlling.. he knew what he was doing

[Sweetpea]

I understand your fear of dr's and counselling.  As Zaf says we are not experts, and we only have our own experiences to go by.  But we will help and advise where we can, You have made a big step in joining the forum.

Take care

S x x

[Zaf]

Thank-you so much. I really do appreciate it and I'm sorry to be so negative about talking to someone.. I know it doesn't help much that I'm like this..I've been like it for so long   

There is no need to be sorry, its not your fault.

Z xxx

[Keren]

Thank-you so much for your messages.. I'm so glad that I did join this forum, it was only by chance. I was feeling like I couldn't go on last week , it became quite scary, so I just typed in depression to see what came up. I didn't know places like this existed. I still feel down, but not as bad as I did when I was totally alone   xx

[KateG]

Hi Keren and welcome, I don't have any advice apart from what's been given. This is a friendly pace, full of lovely people and we'll help if we can

Kate x