Hi, I'm Mat

[GRM]

So I stumbled upon this site last week, after a failed attempt at ditching my prescription meds left me with headaches and nausea like you have no idea.  Have started re-taking them, but really not for any other reason than to prevent the headaches and sickness happening again, I don't believe the pills are really doing anything anyway. 

I don't want to ramble on with my story, it's not disimilar to everyone elses, had a dream and it failed and now i'm living in the remnants, a kind of non-existance where I wake up everyday, do a perfectly average job i'm not very good at, get drunk on weekends, and nothing ever seems to change.  I've attempted twice, both times stopped by police and sectioned, most weekends I have a crap time not living life to as well as I probably should be for someone my age, wake up on Saturday/Sunday mornings hungover with surface cuts all over my arms.

And the process repeats, over and over and over.  I haven't considered myself to have anything even relating to a long term future, seriously I think the most is about a month or two in advance.  I don't think ahead because deep down I hope one day I will just snap, that the utter futility and emptiness of who I am as a person and the life I'm living will finally get the better of me, and I will finally go through with it.

I've spoken to counsellor and nothing, got a job and nothing, went out and socialised and nothing, it's not that I don't really want to get better, it's that I just don't think it's possible for me too.  I've basically given up.

[Got]

Hi mate.

I am sorry to hear the way you are feeling. When was the last time you spoke to your GP? It could be posible to change your medication in a way that elevates you out of this depression.

Please do not give up. People here are supportive, and by signing up to this forum I have found much encouragement to carry on.

[Zaf]

Hi

Dont give up, there may be a combination of medication that will suit you that hasnt been tried yet.  As Stevie says, it may be a good idea to go back to your GP to discuss it

[GRM]

I was originally on Citalopram, but that made me feel sick constantly so I got put on Mirtazapine, starting at 15mg but now on 45mg.  If I were to go back to my gp and ask to go on something else...i'd have to do the whole decrease in mirtazapine medication to wean myself off it, then spend the month or so getting onto the new stuff surely?  I really don't think I can even be bothered to go through that whole process when I think deep down it's pointless, by that I mean pills can only do so much.

[Zaf]

I really dont know about the medication, someone else here is sure to.

I need a combination of ADs, counselling and rest and have recently had to change my lifestyle to help combat my depression

[Lol]

GRM you describe strong feelings of dispair and emptyness I am so sorry you feel this way. There are a lot of things that can still be tried and I hope you can summon the energy to try as many of them as you can. It is very difficult. This forum is very supportive and I hope you find it useful and helpful. We are here to support you through your struggle, and hopefully through new attempts at new treatment. Life is such an uphill battle sometimes. Better days will come.

[SteveW]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad and that Mirtazepine hasn't worked for you. Admittedly drugs can only do so much but they can do a lot. They should be able to lift your suicidal feelings for instance.

Admittedly you'll have to invest a little time in swapping pills.All the manufacturers of Mirtazepine do recommend coming off it gradually but it shouldn't take that long. I've come off it in the past at the rate of a 15mg drop a week and had no withdrawal symptoms. You are very much at the start of drug treatment and the number of options open to you are too long to list.

If you think your depression is going to be difficult to shift you could try psychiatric out patients. They have much more experience in difficult depressions than GPs

[GRM]

I've got a meeting on Friday actually with a clinical psychologist about it but to be honest I'm only really going as a formality.  In the last year or so I swear i've seen everyone else, normal GP, Hospital Counsellor person, occupational therapist, seperate psychological counsellor...and really nothing ever changes, I talk a lot about my situation which as I mentioned earlier doesn't seem to change.  So many times I've left appointments and such feeling worse than before I walked in.  So I don't have much hope, perhaps that's assuming the worst before I even attempt but I'm just so tired now of everything.  I'll see what she says about medication and see.  I don't mean this to be another depressive ramble.

[SteveW]

A clinical psychologist sounds like a good idea-they are often excellent therapists with more up their sleeve than just CBT. Perhaps they'll take you on for long term therapy. Where do you get your drugs from ? Do you have a psychiatrist as well ? Everything seems to suggest that the combination of drugs and therapy works better than either alone. I can see why you are dispirited if you have been to so many forms of counseling and got nowhere but something will eventually work.

[isserley]

Hi Mat,
I know exactly how you feel, except I don't even have a job to go to...
The fact that you are on this forum is a positive thing, at least you are looking for understanding and support/ haven't completely given up.
Don't give up, at least you can talk to people here about your feelings.
Isserley

[GRM]

I've got to be honest, I don't see having a job as in anyway helping me at all.  My job is perfectly average, I work for my local council, making sure electricity and gas bills get paid.  I didn't really want it, but there were not any other jobs out there going so here I am.  I get pangs of anxiety about it, sometimes absolute sickness and I really don't want to go anymore.  I don't really know what to do, because to be put really frank...the only jobs I could foresee myself doing, I just don't have the qualifications, or their are so few going.  If I decided to quit, all that would happen was I'd be on the dole again, until I got another job pretty much in the exact same situation.  I don't get any happiness out of the money, everyone goes "Think of the money!" and all I feel is just how out of sync I am with everyone else.  I don't care about money, all I know is i'm doing a job i don't particularly like, and the weeks drag on and I don't have enjoyable weekends, and then the next week drags on.  All that's rushing through my head is that I don't know what else to do, to coin a Smiths lyrics, i was looking for a job and then I found one, and I'm still miserable.  I'm just getting older and older, and fatter and fatter, and life for me is a constant stream of disappointment and guilt.  I just don't know what to do about it.  It's thoughts like these that make me legitimise the idea of suicide as after all, it's not really suicide if you don't really feel alive to begin with.

[Zaf]

I would suggest looking for another job while you are still working as its usually easier to change jobs then get a job when you dont have one.  Have you thought of doing something that fits in with your interests?  When I was younger and fitter I used to work as a groom and training horses,  it was very demanding but I didnt need qualifications (although I did have prior experience with horses etc) and I really enjoyed it,  but the money was dreadful and at the time we needed more coming into the household as the mortgage interest rates were spiralling so I ended up getting a job that paid better but I didnt like it as much

[dlg78]

Hi Mat and welcome.

Could I ask what it was that you feel you failed at? This seems to have been a turning point for you.

Dave

[GRM]

Could I ask what it was that you feel you failed at? This seems to have been a turning point for you.

Put very simply, I never felt all that comfortable at home.  Never really had a good set of friends, never had any real job aspirations, never any desires to move or live anywhere in particular.  But as part of my degree course I had the opportunity to live and study in the United States for a year.  I absolutely loved it, the people I was living with became instant friends, better than the friends I had made at home despite having only just met them.  I began to love the country, the culture, environment etc just so much more than back home in the UK.  I had a girlfriend who I to this day feel as if I could have married.  After my year abroad the one thing I was sure of, was that I wanted to get back there as soon as possible, to live.  I worked my arse off my final year of uni to boost my solid 2:2 degree to a 2:1, me and my girlfriend worked at a long distance relationship which worked as it was expected by both of us that I would be back before too long.  Sure enough I graduated, I had this great girlfriend and a fantastic dream ahead of me, it was an amazing feeling.  Then, as i'm sure you can all guess, it failed miserably.  Visa regulations basically made it impossible outside of marriage to get a green card.  My dreams began to crumble around me, with no idea of how or even if possible I could get back my relationship disintegrated, now we no longer talk.  It seemed in the space of 3 months or so, my entire dreams and aspirations had completely disappeared.  I spent the next year more or less on the dole, back in my old life of misery and predictability.  I still dislike most of my friends back home, I hate my job and my commute.  Some friends tell me to not give up hope, but now I look back on my dreams as being completely delusional and naive.  This is the life I deserve and it's my cross to bear.

[GRM]

I should add, that by talking about this to people, all it seems to do is to make them annoyed at me as more often than not they get very defensive over the UK.  I daren't bring anything up that's even slightly American related as it will be received as "oh here he goes again", as if i'm Mat the American man.