Hi, I'm new on here...I don't know what is wrong with me. I was thinking some form of social anxiety but I really don't know. I wouldn't say I am depressed because I don't know how that feels but my problem does get me down.
I feel like recently I've been having problems in social situations which is something that had never happened to me before as I was always so loud and happy.
I'm not the most confident person, but I can put it on when I first meet new people. When I went to university I could sort of, pretend I was loud and bubbly which is how I made my friends. However, I can't do this with other loud and bubbly people. I find it strange that I can do this with some people and not with others.
I have the same group of people I have been friends with for years, and I can (usually depending on how I feel that day) totally be myself around them. However, there are some new additions to the group and I just feel so shy and awkward around them. A few years ago I could have just chatted for ages with anyone at all, and so my older friends know me as 'chatty'...however, I don't think the newer people would think that about me. I worry about what i am going to say with them, and worry about silences which as bound to come. I worry that when i don't talk they will think I'm boring.
There's certain people I get scared to be left alone with incase this happens, even though I have known them for a while. And I can be totally confident with a guy, until they show an interest in me (or vice versa) and then I go all shy on them which probably causes them to no longer like me. Maybe their interest makes me feel insecure that they will be looking at me more than they would before, and find faults or something...I don't know. When we all went to university for the first time, I returned home again and I was so scared to see my friends again even though we've been good friends for years.
I constantly worry if people are judging me. I do think it all comes from my weight, I have put on about a stone and a half over the past 2 years and I notice that as the weight creeps up, this problem gets worse.
I find that with older people, or bosses and things (maybe people I see as superior to me), I just can't chat with them and when I do just can't look them in the eye. I worry I will run out of things to say. The only time I feel like my old self is after I've had alcohol, and I don't want it to be this way, I want it to be natural without any drugs etc. I don't know what this is but it's really getting me down. I don't want to go see a doctor because i feel stupid because it's probably all in my head, and I feel like if I told him, I would just get anti-depressants thrown at me. I don't want those for starters but I have heard that being on anti-depressants sticks with you forever and so could affect my chances of getting certain jobs in the future (I want to be a clinical psychologist- ironic.). I just don't know what to do.....I can't tell my parents I think they will tell me to stop being stupid, obviously they won't see it because with them I am fine. I hate this. I don't want to just accept this as who I am because I know I was never usually like this before, I want to be like my old self again :|
