Well I'm not yet sure I qualify to be a member of the forum, as I've not yet been diagnosed with anything, but I thought I'd say hi anyway and let you know a few things about me.
My name's Paul and I'm 35. For about 10 years now I've had what I call mood cycles, which range from extreme highs to devastating lows, sometimes for no reason at all, and sometimes brought on by tiny events which wouldn't bother most people in the slightest.
I've lived with these moods for so long because, up to now, the highs greatly outweigh the lows, and just as I've got myself into the mind of seeking help, my mood has changed and it's been put on the back burner.
Well today, I finally made an appointment to see my GP and get some help. Even talking to the receptionist on the phone made me fill up with tears, as though the burden is suddenly being lifted. The wheels are being set in motion and I'm actually doing something, going some way, to getting better.
The highs as I call them are great, but not without consequence. I feel unbeatable, and that my ideas and ideals are correct and everyone else who disagrees is obviously (to me) wrong. They're some of the bad points which seem perfectly reasoned when I'm in that mood, but fill me with guilt and hatred for myself when I'm on a down.
The highs have had other consequences: I was declared bankrupt 2 years ago because I spend outrageously on things I don't need or want. Once I even purchased 3 cars on Hire Purchase in a very short period of time because it made me feel great. Only to lumber myself with months of worry and stress, cowering behind the sofa when I heard a car door slam, in case it was a bailiff.
I'm an Open University student, and have been for nearly 3 years. Something I signed up to when on a high (and have actually stuck at) and I find that when I'm on a high I get my best marks. I'm at my most confident and creative, and can whiz off an essay without having to spend hours planning. My lowest marks come when I'm on a low, because I can't actually motivate myself to do anything, because there's no point, it'll be rubbish whatever I do.
The lows are the worst. When I'm on a low all I want to do is get in bed. and stay there. I don't want to see anyone and can't actually contemplate seeing anyone, even family, without hours of deep breathing and calming myself down.
Then there's the 'normal' times, which is somewhere in between the 2. I'm not on the ceiling with happiness, but I'm not under the duvet with despair either, so I quite like those times.
So why have I not mentioned this before to anyone? Because it's steadily getting worse. The lows are, at any rate. If anything the highs have calmed down a little, but the lows are becoming more intense each cycle, and I can't cope with them on my own any more. I just can't face the problems alone. I need someone to help, and so that's why today I made my appointment at the GP.
When I'm OK I can enjoy a normal life, but I'm always better with a small group rather than a large crowd, but love socialising, as well as reading, writing, watching movies (escaping from 'me' usually) and other things most people enjoy.
Sorry for the essay. I just felt it was a good way to get my feelings out and to introduce myself properly.
I really am an OK person to know, I promise.
Paul
