Hi
I always seem to be a bit frantic (lol guess it's all part of the parcel of having a mental health problem!), so can't give am too frantic at the mo and give an intro so will jump to what is upsetting me right now!
In brief am a lone parent to a 8yr old, after having him I sort of became a recluse. Sort of in that activities relating to my son I would do, I would chat to other parents etc, but I did not become more than once a week chat buddies kind of thing. I guess I was shutting myself away from the world, scared to actually re-enter and actually live my life. I did though do a part time degree in the meantime. This worked ok, as gave me justification to stay inside. If people asked me to go to BBQ's etc, I used the excuse that I had far too mcuh uni work. As well as when I was particulary depressed/or manic I could easily give the excuse that I had uni work to do, when in fact I would be sitting at home writing suicide notes (you know the usual thing you do when on a downer).
But now I have finished uni, my son is at school - I had been oks for a while so I decided to find a job. I have been offered a fantastic job, basically the job I have is classed as 'gold dust' in terms of how it relates to my degree. I have been fine, I have been in my element, so positive, so can I say 'happy'. I've even been socialising, I have done my hair, been on dates, everything has been so positive. But I have over the last couple of weeks become basically manic again. I keep freaking out in shops, my speech has slurred, am paranoid etc. So I raced to my doctors and been put on medication again (which takes two weeks to kick in - so am really on a low at the moement), and once again refered for counselling.
I have no idea what to do now. The hard part is this job involves helping others, I am expected to be the one in control, the one that helps people. Even by going to the docs just now has put my job in serious jeopardy (am counting on that no one will check). To express how I feel moreso I feel terrified.
I have to go in tomorrow, I really don't want them to see me like this. Before I had my son when I worked I just have all these horrific memories, of how bosses and colleuges openly questioned my saniety, am terrified of the same thing happening. I am sick of being a 'freak'. All I want to do again is shut myself away.
I guess what am i asking is it possible to have a job which suffering from depression? Or should I accept my illness and reside to a non-existant life? In some ways the second option is my comfy zone, I feel safe, but I know I get depressed when Im like that too, as I feel so isolated.
I'm sorry for waffling, and I hope that all makes sense!
