Where are my marbles??? have you seen them???

[Mrs_cat_lady]

Hello everyone!

Im jen, and im new to this forum, so please be gentle with me!
 Im here because im looking to see if this ever ends, Im ready to  calll time out, to give in and leave it all behind. To end my life.

I have a great family and a loving gorgeous husband, married 2 years and trying for a family.After a rocky childhood and my youth spend on self destruct and drugs, Ive finally got everything i want, love and trust and calm. But my depression ruins everything, it takes the colour out of life and makes veryone i love the enemy. Ive fought and fought so long nd always after a couple of months fallen down again, I have 1-2 big episodes a year where i spend a few weeks crying hysterically and unable to do the simplest things never mind be a good wife or even think about being a mother.

Im feeling a bit numb at the moment after weeks of feeling like my chest is going to explode because ive cried so much.
 so, i went to see my gp yesterday and admitted defeat and im now back on my meds.
 after 11 years of being on them i though a few months ago i was fine and came off them.Then the demons started creeping back in, affecting my marrige, my work life and my family life. I want to I cant concentrate, i cant focus, I cant remember a thing and i know its all part of my illness but im starting to question if fighting on is really the answer.
Im here today to ask : When is too much? is LIFE really worth fighting for if I dont want to play anymore?

[tharidler]

hi jen
welcome to the forum i know it sucks to think you might never be well because i know that i and many others on here feel the same and this illness gets into every aspect of life and it is tempting to check out for good but let me just say this think of a reason not to and it sounds like your husband is a good candidate and think of that reason when you are low it may help a little as it does for me to think of my wife and boys sorry that was a bit preachy i hope you feel better

[Mrs_cat_lady]

thanks tharidler,

Sometimes the happy me is so far way from unwell me, im not sure if ill ever see the happy one again, i was stupid to come off my meds, feel a bit naked without, that sounds totally bonkers- welcome to my world.

ive just been reading about, this seems lie a good place to be.

hope everyone is ok today anyway. onwards and upwards!!

x

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome, you'll find a lot of help and support from the lovely people here xxx

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome, I echo what Zaf has just said.

S x x x x

[KateG]

Hi and welcome. Just to repeat what others have said, this place is full of lovely people and I hope you find being here helps

Kate x

[whiteadder]

Welcome :)

I haven't seen your marbles, but I'll keep an eye out while I'm looking for mine.

This is a great group of people

[Mrs_cat_lady]

  I thought id share my small triumph for today. I went out for a dog walk with my grandad and i also took the cat to the vet for a check up. My husband would have gone but got stuck at work so my grandad offered to come with me. I normally dont accept help of my family as i dont want to seem a victim, but i couldnt have done it alone. Im very glad i took the offer, and it was lovely having some company.
I was dreading it, was in cold sweats the whole time but im home now and really proud of myself. feel like im slowly climbing out of the darkness ive been trapped in. Im thinking about treating myself to a can of cider!!
 maybe tomorrow ill have  walk to the shops or something.im determind to carry on and not give up and sit in the house all day.

hope every one is ok and keeping well.
 x jen x

[whiteadder]

That's great - well done :)

[KateG]

Well done Jen &*(

[Zaf]

Brilliant :)  xxx

[Mrs_cat_lady]

thanks everyone. i cant wait til my husband gets home in a hour to show him the smile on my face!! as we all know, we sometimes hurt the ones who love us mos. ive been a bloodynight mare to live with for years and hes always been there to just hold me when im sobbing myheart out. hes my rock and it makes me feel so guilty that some times i cant love him like i should.
for the first time in weeks im smiling.
thank you everyone for your support.

[Zaf]

I know what you mean about our loved ones, i'm sure he'll be proud of you too xxx

[Catbrian]

Hi Jen

Magic!  Pleased you're feeling better today..... Let me throw that question back at ya.... is life worth fighting for?

Cat

[Sweetpea]

Well done, should be proud of yourself  :) :).

S x x x x