urm.. Hello!

[lemonade_shock]

Hello,
Well I'm Lemonade_shock, hello!

Ive read other people's 'hello' posts and seems to have a little story or something about them, well what do I put??? Where to start??

I went through depression, the whole thing, on tablets, I cant remember what, for about 2 and a half to 3 years about 5 or 6 years ago, and its back... but worse WHY?????!?!?!?!!!!!
Not even the doctors can answer that, stupid people, I cant say that when my own sister is in med school can I?? Ok I'm now ranting!

Last year it started to come back, I could feel it, I had time off work, I went back onto tablets, but nothing worked, tried switching tablets and I was stableish for a while, then in Augest last year, everything just went black, and I took quite a big over dose and self harmed fairly badly, which failed, hense why I can write this, dam stupid over dose.
I was then with the 'crisis team' home treatment, for what seemed forever, but it was just over 2 months, which for the crisis team is a long time apparently. Anyway, once seen as 'out of crisis state' I was then re referred to the NHS stupid councelling or cbt, whatever. That 'urgant' referral was sent in november 11 and in Jan this year I was given an appointment!!!! 3 months for an 'urgent' appointment.. yes NHS thats great!

At the beginning of Feb this year, I took 2 overdoses in 2 weeks, back to self harming every day, if not more than once.. twice.. 3 times.. a day.
Now back with the lovely 'crisis team' they have shoved me in a day hospital, only been there for 3 days so far, but back there tomorrow, its only Mon-Fri, so this weekend the crisis team have been out to see me.

Has anyone been to a day hospital thing before, has it helped you? How long did you end up staying?

There is still a HUGE part of me, like 99% of me that just doesnt want to be here anymore, and everywhere I look there is something to either harm myself with or end my life, I cant stand feeling like this anymore!!!
When I do get out and about, or in the taxi on the way to the hospital, I see normal everyday people just walking by, how do they get on with life so well? I dont understand.. I really dont.. I think Im angry and confused at myself for feeling like this.
Anyway, there is a 1% or less part of me that wants to fight this, mainly for my partner, this is tearing her apart, she actually doesnt like coming home anymore.. said so herself 

Anyway, shutting up now.. please ignore me..

hello anyway..

[Got]

Hello.

I have never been to a day hospital but I have been in hospital when I went a little bit crackers.

I understand the feeling when everything you look at is an object with which to kill yourself.

Please remember, you have been ill once before and you got better. Even though this this is worse, you can still get better. You are far better of alive than dead, suicide isn't a good option. Please remember, with time you can beat this and you will feel better and be glad that you didn't kill yourself.

Please take care,

Love Steve X

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome,  as Steve says it can and does get better, hang in there, everyone here will help and support you  xx

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

S x

[KateG]

Hi and welcome, this is a really supportive place

[lemonade_shock]

Thanks everyone :) x

[Glen53]

Welcome to the forum.

The NHS do seem to be woefully slow to help with mental health problems and it can make you feel like you are unimportant. As Stevie has said above though, you have come through this before. I have said to others on the forum before that if you look at the disease as always there, then when you start to feel ill again there is a feeling of 'never beating it'. I find it better to look at it as a chronic illness that flares up from time to time. See each low point as a seperate episode and tackle each one seperatley if you can.

Hopefully now you have found this place you can talk to us when things build up. Sometimes just chatting to someone can really help - I dont know why but it just does sometimes.

We are here if / when you need us.

Take care.