First Post!

[Alstare1974]

Just been crying my eyes out on my poor old mum for an hour. Feel so scared of the future and how messed up everything is. Everything feels so bleak and dark and when I'm like this o just feel the world would be much better with me not in it. That inevitably leads to her telling me that they couldn't cope if I did anything and it would kill them and then I feel like my emotions are ripping me in two with both sides of the argument. Am sure if I wasn't living with my folks right now I'd definitely be gone.

Sorry had to get that out and am crying as I write. 

[cornish]

never be sorry, its fine, we understand.

she has a valid point, think of them before you do anything. but ultimately it is your decision and its a very hard decision to make and ive made it a few times now and was stopped once and failed the second and third time, both failures were horrifically painful.  please think very carefully before you act.

you probably shouldn't listen to me though.

i agree with zaf, if you feel like you need a higher dosage then just ask, im on a very high dosage and every time i have a dosage change the side effects kick back in

[Alstare1974]

Thanks Cornish.

Dying painfully scares me

[cornish]

its no problem at all, but as i said its probably best not to listen to me as im have been very down for a while now and i dont think im thinking straight, your better off waiting for some one else to come along

it scares me too and i dont think i would attempt again, ive heard people say its the cowards way out but i believe it takes a lot more strength to do it than they know, its the hardest and most permanent decision you will ever make and as ive failed before im haunted by it. ive been told many times i will get over this by munchroom and i am starting to believe her, you will beat this cruel illness, just keep on fighting it

[Alstare1974]

Feeling really rough again tonight

Can't believe I'm back living with my parents again. I feel such a failure. My marriage failed and in stuck in limbo. I'm really struggling to cope.

I wish my parents would just say it's ok for me to die. I'm so ready I just can't do it cos of them. I can't even get that right.

I miss being married and having my own house. I miss my dog and my cat.

[Zaf]

Alstare, in my book not committing suicide because of your parents is not a failure at all, its a sign of your strength imo.

Its very natural to miss the things you do please dont hold that against yourself.  Please believe me that things do get better eventually xx

[Lol]

Alstare thanks for posting I'm so sorry you feel this way. You are not a failure. Things didn't work out the way you had planned but that is not a reflection on your success as an individual. Coping is a struggle at the moment. You're parents do not want you to die because they know that you can be happy again.  I understand that you feel like you want to die. You want the situation and the way you feel to come to an end. It will end. It takes time but it will end and change will occur. It wont always be like this, it will change. Please hang on in there. You are very important to your parents and you will be happy again.

[Alstare1974]

I'm not sure how much more pain I can deal with.

[Lol]

The pain is difficult for you and you don't know how much more of it you can take.  Asltare you will surprise youself. You can deal with a lot. You have dealt with a lot. Acknowledge the pain you feel and let it out here.

[Zaf]

Pleasr Alstare keep talking to us, whatever you need to say, if you start to feel really on the edge phone the samaritans or even 999, we'll all do what we can to help, please believe there really is light at the end of the tunnel xx

[Alstare1974]

I just hate everything that's going on.

I don't have everything I need to do it so don't worry too much.

[Lol]

You hate everything at the moment Alstare. We will still worry because it doesn't matter when you would do it it would still be too soon and awful, just awful. I feel so sad when you talk about suicide. You can and will be happy again. This is a temporary state that you can recover from. It will change and it will be better.

[Zaf]

Alstare, I have been suicidal several times in the past and I know things can get better and it is possible to recover and see things in a different light but it does take time;  having so very recently lost someone I knew from suicide and the devastation felt by her friends, not to say anything about her family who must be totally bereft, I can only tell you that a lot more people care for you than you think.

[Lol]

You are affecting people positively ever day Alstare

[Alstare1974]

Sorry if I am upsetting you Zaf.