Just to say hi - and hoping someone can help.

[girlwithtwohearts]

Hi there - I realise from reading the posts on here that there's a lot worse folks out there than me. But I still feel I'm dying inside.

I feel so alone. I have depression which is stress related - I've had periods off work before - the longest 4 months. I'm off work again at the moment. (I feel realy gutted that I've abandoned my colleagues and the students) The trouble is, this is a new job - which i only started in September. I'm a teacher at an A-level college - and when I'm feeling well, i really enjoy it and I know I do a good job. But this new job i took on, I feel I have bitten off more than I can chew - it's all A-level subjects - and I'm finding it really hard to keep up.  My doctor says someone who suffers from recurrent anxiety/depression should do a job they feel confident in. Thing is - I now definitely don't feel confident - as I've been off work since end November (it's now Feb)- and I'm still not well enough to go back. I'm not getting paid at the moment. I don't want to go back to teaching in secondary schools either. I do love teaching the A-level age group - but this new job I have is so pressurised timewise - as we have lots of extra stuff to do with a tutor group etc and I teach 6 different A-levels.  They said I could go back temporarily on a reduced timetable, which will help - but eventually I'll be back to full time again.

The thing is - I just feel so useless and worthless. I'm on anti-depressants - but I've been on them before and they take ages to work and then make me really hyper and I have to come off them. They change my personality quite a lot - one of the reasons I left the last job was I got quite gobby and flirty with some staff and even students! (it seems funny now, but I'm scared that's going to happen again)

I've tried CBT and counselling - and I've now got a life coach too - but I just can't seem to shake the fear I always come back round to thinking about - which is that i can't do this job. I know it's irrational - because I've taught A-level at the previous college I was at - but this time the stress/depression has knocked me over hard. Maybe because of the stress of starting a new job.  I'm really gutted because I know I can teach, I had a good teaching grade last year - but I have just seemed to destroy my own confidence with too much negative self talk.
At the moment i can't even plan one single lesson - it's like my brain won't work.

The mornings are bad - I wake up and then immediately all the panic thoughts come crowding into my head. I can't even do normal tasks at the moment - like sort out clothes or what to wear. Track suit bottoms and jumpers rule at the moment - so that makes me afraid to go out socially.  i can't seem to do simple jobs around the house - but I feel better as the day goes on. Evenings are better - as there's less guilt then about doing jobs - it's the evening so time to relax a bit.

I feel like i'm letting everyone down - most of all myself. I'm 42, single, and really want to have a partner and a happy life - but it all seems so impossible at the moment.  I feel like a very lost, lonely person.

I'm looking forward to chatting with you.

[girlwithtwohearts]

I feel crazy lonely - because I'm just sitting here waiting for someone to reply but I know that ain't gonna happen immediately.

I feel i waste so much time - I can sit and do nothing for hours - maybe cos its totally the opposite of what I'd have to do if I was at work -and I'd be so busy I couldn't keep up with anything.

I also forgot to say that i go through periods - a year or two - when i'm totallay fine - manage the job fine - am sociable, happy etc - and then something gets really stressful at work and things get on top of me - and I crumble. I feel a coward cos I've run away from my problems at work (I know I'm not well and its not my fault but I still feel a coward)  And I feel a coward because for the last few weeks since I've been off work I've been staying at my elderly parents house, for company - so I'm giving them all my troubles too.  I feel like my family, my brothers etc - are fed up now, cos I've had this so many times before - and I'm just a waste of space.

I get on really well with the students and I know they like me - but I have just crumbled and dont feel good enough for them.   I hate myself for not being at work - and it's so hard to get back to it now.

Help. I pray every night for an answer.  I know I need to be doing certain things - like taking exercise, doing little tasks around the house - but to be honest these things dont really help the deep down fear and panic.

[Ezel]

 ^&* I know this is easy to say but you're not letting anybody down including yourself.  Depression is a very real illness but it's not other illness that can be fixed with one type of medication for example, it's a complex illness and what works for one person doesn't work for another.

[girlwithtwohearts]

Thanks Ezel, I really appreciate your comment. 

K. x

[Flea]

Hi,
I can understand how you feel.  I had 13 weeks off from December 2008 to April 2009 and really couldn't see a way out the other side.  I too am in a fairly pressurised job, and expected to perform.  I am usually a very confident person regarding my job - in fact a received a colleague of the year award in 2008 for my work, so I know that am good at my job; but confidence ebbs away when you are depressed and I don't feel like that same person anymore.  Since my return to work I improved somewhat, but reversed big style after I had an accident in December where I fractured a vertebrae, meaning more time off work, but this time being physically unable to do anything that might help, such as exercise and socialising.  So at the moment I'm feeling very much like you.  I too feel extremely low and anxious when I wake in the morning, so much so that I really don't want to leave my bed, as it feels 'safe'.  My mood improves slightly throughout the day and I probably feel at my best early evening.    Do you have a hobby, or an interest?  I have a horse and have lost interest in my hobby, even though at one stage it used to be my world and I loved competing.  I don't want to sell him, as I know that when I am well, I will enjoy him again.  But at the moment, nothing excites me and it is a real effort to do anything.  So, I can relate to your feelings, so don't feel alone, because you are not! I try to think that I have come out of the dark hole once (if only for a short while) so there is no reason why I/we can't do so again.  It's just so difficult in the meantime when you are feeling so s***! x