so today I had a quick shower, feeling clean for a couple of days in a row is nice :) ive been out with the dogs to the park with my nephew, sorted through some mail and can get my tablet fixed finally! which is on my plan of positive steps for tomorrow
I went to my brothers as I was getting a bit bored after I worked on my selfesteem work sheets for a couple of hours... ive never bothered doing them before but im already seeing the benefits, just the action of getting it out of your head and onto paper brings it out into reality and kind of cements the positives in more... I think lol I feel like its working. I haven't been feeling that bad actually. I did have a kind of eureka !! moment earlier. ive noticed exactly what it is that brought me down so much. the two places I bounce between. my bro's and mums. my mums im reminded of a lot of childhood &$%+ because of how she tries to parent josh and speaks to her husband and is just a nit picky bitch, don't get me wrong she's lovely, shes my mum... but she can be a right bitch with how she snaps and besides all that the house is an absolute state... I mean ... its just nasty, any surface that can hold &$%+ is holding it, letters, pens, pointless, electronics that don't work, its just a &$%+hole so if im surrounded by this all the time and the negative energy then its bound to have an effect on my mood ive figured out..... and earlier it was getting to the point where just being here was getting me down so I went to my brothers, my god that was just as depressing, his dirty, not as bad as mums with the amount of stuff but sinks full of dirty dishes, whole place needs a hovering... it'd take about an hour and a half to sort it out. then theres his illnesss and his mood which gets me down there.... in the great scheme of things and when I look at getting better with whats right for me..... I need to be out as much as p[ossible which is going to test me even more which I love the thought of in a way... its food for thought anyway ... giving me more things to try and fill my time with... goto the library more, take kai for longer walks again like I used to :) its looking pretty good as long as I stay on top of what brings me down .... which is where im sitting right now but I cant change that atm... its gunna be hard to say the least!!
im eating a salad right now :p one of my positive steps to eat more today than yesterday.... and its healthy, and pretty nice :)
later on I intend on goin round a pals to just try and get my confidence up with being around a different person and maintaining a half decent conversation....
I kind of feel im getting ahead of myself but if I do well ... I do well... if I don't, that's not that bad either I know im kind of rushing!