Feeling rubbish

[turquoise]

Having a really rotten day todat crying at the least wee thing went to see mum and she was in a carnaptious mood took me ages to calm her down.  Went home phone friend and she told me to come up for some coffee sat on her sofa and cried.  Then watched news with the poor wee lass that is missing her mum crying her eyes out and I bawled my eyes out and felt guilty for feeling bad when that poor woman is having the worst time of her life.  I now feel that is is wrong to be sad when I dont have anything to be sad about in comparison to others life sucks at times.  Gosh this is such an awful illness when you cut your self you put a plaster on it and it gets better I dont think there is a plaster big enough in the world to make me feel better.   I just think so negativity all the time housework is still not getting done and I can do it as i dont have the energy or inclination.  I keep telling everyone im fine when im just drowning in misery and helplessness is there an end to this blackness.   I really try to live my life to the best I can but am failing miserable.

[Sweetpea]

 %^% %^% %^% for you.  This illness is truely awful, what you say about a sticking plaster is so true.  I am sorry you had a bad visit with your mum, this cannot help your depression.  You deserve a medal for being a carer.

S x x x x

[turquoise]

thanks Shaz have mixed feelings about getting her home on Friday will see how it goes

[Sweetpea]

Feel for you, being a carer is hard work but having depression as well is awful for you.  Being a carer is a 24/7 job.  there is so little help and support as well which is so wrong  %^%.

S x x x x

[turquoise]

Thanks Shaz yep it is difficult and struggled with care only three days a week to shower mum, had to phone doctor crying my eyes out and now get care twice a day to do her personal care also had social worker in who got me respite within a week, my friend and I fell out as she cant her her head around how it feels to be so low that you cant even pick up the phone and ask for help and it has made our friendhip less stable but we have got a truce on at the moment but dont think I will ever ask her for help or speak to her about being ill.  Sometimes I want someone to look after me for a few days but I know that is just a pipe dream as I dont really totally turst anyone

T,x

[Sweetpea]

 %^% i can understand that, when I get low I struggle to look after myself let alone anyone else.  You should not have to fight to get help with care, this makes me so mad, by looking after your mum you are saving the government money.  You are doing what any caring daugher would do and being penalised for it .  As for your friend, others find it hard to understand what we go through/feel.

S x x x x

[turquoise]

Very true about saving the goverment money and I dont mind looking after mum most of the time it just gets difficult.  I know people are scared of depression and im lucky I have a couple that I can talk too to a certain extent.  But find it really difficult opening up in case I get negative reactions and the pull yourself together or as my brother said your depressing me and put phone down.  So it is easier to say nothing

[Michael Frankum]

I'm lucky because my brother has never understood the way my brain works, but he always lets me talk about how I am feeling, and he really tries. I can't even begin to imagine the problems being a full time carer, but I definitely admire those who are able to do this.  %^% One big difference that I can see between us is that you are still brave and strong enough to do things, no matter how bad you are feeling, whereas I just sit back and make excuses. if i could use the energy I use making excuses into actually doing something, things could be so much better! You are dealing with life, no matter what it throws at you, and I admire you so much for that.  *() I hope that posting here allows you to ease at least a little of the pressure on you. Thinking of you.

[turquoise]

Thanks for replying Michael, it does help to post on here and dont be so hard on yourself as I too have days when i dont want to do anything with me it is just decide what one thing I want to achieve and aim for that, small steps every day.  the thing that I have let go is housework so my house is basically like the borough coup with everything everywhere which Im really ashamed off but again it is small steps and when I do one corner or one chore I feel achievement;
My brother doesn really understand and wont lister or help so dont really contact him much.  I dont feel brave i just do what I have to do and breath a huge sigh when the day is over. 
Hugs to you
Tx