Mad visit and the state of things at home/tolerating the older generation

[lostmyway]

Hi all

My brother was here for 2 weeks from America, and did nothing else but go out, go to the pub constantly, and spend ridiculous amounts of money, consequently i had to tolerate this situation because i still live at home.  I had to carry his ass everywhere in my car and drive all over the place. He made calls to America whenever he felt like it, put stuff in my mothers trolley at the supermarket, and was a pain.   I have a OU course to do very soon and still don't have a really good place to study because there is crap everywhere that needs moving and its driving me nuts.

No-one will help me i have to do it all myself and on top of that i have a 78 yr old mother that drives me crackers with her constant repeating herself, random conversations and having the memory of a goldfish and cannot remember anything to save her life.  My stress and anxiety levels are horrendous, coupled with the fact i desperately need a job, I am struggling badly to be able to cope with everyday life right now, and don't know when it will ever improve.

She keeps buying me t-shirts which i don't need, the kitchen had to be tidied out because she bought too much stuff i have no intention to eat, she buys shower gel and shampoo on impulse whether we need it or not which also had to be tidied up and put into the damn garage in a box because i was sick of it.

I don't know what else to do, its getting out of hand now. *Prays to God*

[Pip]

Family members can be so thoughtless and even worse when they don't seem to realize how annoying their behaviour can be.  My grandma used to keep repeating herself but we were able to put up with it as she wasn't actually living with us.

 

[SteveW]

I looked after my elderly father for 4 years and it drove me slowly mad. I thought I would mention the Carers Assessment to you. Social Services have a legal responsibility to do one if it is requested. You are in practice a carer for your mother and they might be able to come up with something. I hope so. Caring for someone entering dementia is a very hard road.

Love

Steve

[lostmyway]

hi steve

yes you are right it is a very hard road. my dad had to go into a home, as he had vascular dementia, that was very stressful (and expensive for that matter).
Hope it doesnt come to that.  thanks for ur kind words

nick

[fighting_the_tide]

Hi nick.

For one - the next time your brother comes - just look out for yourself. You do not have to accommodate ferrying him around if he can afford to go to the pub so often. Yes, he might have come back to visit family but it also sounds like he's on "holiday" from living abroad - and although alcohol can be abused for many reasons, maybe he needs the reality check that you aren't going to do everything for him - he should respect the wishes of you/your mum while he's in her house rather than being a dominant force of doing what he wants.

For two - I'd certainly consider that if she's got memory issues - it could be dementia/Alzheimer's - but it could be linked to a possibility of either too little or too much of a component in the blood stream (there's research going on that iron levels could play a part). Carers are at risk of burnout because "who's there to care for the carer?" - it's worth finding out about anyway.

For three - it could be worth locating a local charity that you would be happy to support - if you don't really need the t-shirts/over stocked on other useful items - you could see if the charity would be willing to take the clothes etc, or even a food bank for the unwanted food (especially if it's tins that have a longer shelf life - fresh food wouldn't usually be considered though, but toiletries could come in useful)

Just a few ideas. I don't know it all or claim to - but if any of this helps it's a bonus.

[lostmyway]

Hi fighting the tide,

Thanks for your message.  Yes it seems that when he comes here he sees all his friends, goes to football games, concerts, goes to many pubs irrespective of the cost, and somehow has little regard for others and their situation. i certainly cant keep up financially right now i have no job, which is adding to stress, and low negative emotions that i feel at the moment.  He does seem to think everyone owes him a favour sometimes. Nobody carries me around for nothing thats for sure.  He is on holiday from living abroad is a very apt description for it, I'd say.

2 weeks you can put up with, but all the time is a completely different story altogether.  Now my Jsa is running out (182 days).  Happy Days !! (Not).

[fighting_the_tide]

JSA can be a right pain in the backside if you're on it for so long. And even though you've got negative emotions playing a part, you certainly do not sound like someone who sits on their hands doing nothing because if you could get yourself a job to support yourself better, things would look a bit brighter throughout.

Have you ever considered looking at a work trial? Speak with your local jobcentre office about the possibility of one. Initially you'd need to find a place where there is definitely a vacancy - to then be able to consider the prospect of the work trial - but you can read about the information (I'm sure google would help locate you to more information via the jobcentre website - if I remember correctly).

It was pretty much how I ended up after 4 months JSA of getting back into work where the previous 6 included 5 months signed off of the previous role and 3 weeks between parting ways and applying for the benefit.

Just another option to consider at least - and work trials can lead you to discover if a role would be right for you. There's no obligation from yourself or the employer to make it last the full 2 weeks or so - but if you can show in a day or 2 that you'd be right for the role, there'd be certainly no harm in trying :)

Hope this helps :)

[lostmyway]

Hi fighting_the_tide

JSA IS a pain without doubt.  Then getting some 'adviser' to tell you you aren't doing enough or whatever just adds to it.. I worked solidly for 15 years so I'm morally entitled to it as far as i am concerned.  They need to change the record.

I apply but don't hear anything back, and gets harder as you keep doing it over and over all the time.  Work trials were around some years ago so i don't know if they're still around maybe they are.  They suggested voluntary, but I'm not keen on it for obvious reasons.  People are signing on for a reason not for the fun of it, and the reason is mainly that there aren't enough jobs to go around.  As its contribution based the best i can hope for is class 3 NI contributions. Brilliant

Where i go from here i dunno.  I have been IT training for 3 years or more now, and am doing an OU course.  I need help and a chance, where i get it i am not sure at the moment.