Depression Related Forums > Adoption / Foster Care Related Depression

Adoption / severe depression

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Ezel:
 The roots of my depression start from my early teens and soon after my sister was pressured into aborting her baby when she was 15.   Whatever I did was never good enough, I was moody, I was compared with my sister who was ‘perfect’ and clever, I was a liar, you name it I got it chucked at me.  It was such a stupid situation that I tested out a theory that if I lied to my parents they would believe me but if I was honest I would be accused of lying.  Sadly my theory proved right hence the reason I constantly got accused of lying.

What made my depression severe was being coerced into surrendering my son in 1981.  I fell pregnant when I was 19 years old and worked for the civil service   at the end of a bad relationship.  I kept quiet long enough not to be pressured into surrendering but when my parents found out they decided my baby was being adopted no matter what.   I refused to agree to this so refused to discuss the matter.  My parents arranged everything so the first time I saw anybody from the adoption agency was after he was born and I still refused to agree to him being adopted.  Not once did I agree to him being adopted, I didn’t know my rights, I didn’t see the paper work and I didn’t sign anything yet the adoption still went through.  I didn’t even know I couldn’t consent to surrender until my son was 6 weeks old.  It took 23 years and reunion for me to find out the extent of the lies.

Adoption is the most painful experience I have ever gone through and it is an invisible amputation.  It is gut wrenchingly painful and I have never got over it.  I believe I was going mad as I was expected to get on with my life and forget about my son.  Yet I was hurting inside and the pain was a real pain but nobody would have believed me if I tried to explain it.  For many years I went through a cycle of self harming and trying to commit suicide by overdosing.  I would use knives and scissors to cut myself, usually round my stomach, sometimes my arms so nobody would ask questions.  The suicide attempts obviously didn’t work although I did end up in hospital overnight and on a heart monitor back in 1998.  That was one of the scariest nights of my life and when I hear of people who have near death experiences I believe them as I went through that on that night. 

I need to stop now and give myself a break.

Sweetpea:
 &*( Pip.

S x x x x

Buttercup:
 &*( for you Pip. Xxxxxx

Ezel:
Thank you  &*( I don't expect anybody to understand, I only need to people to accept that I am telling the truth.

Buttercup:
Course we do Pip  &*( &*(

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