Hello, happy new year!

[Sinno]

Hello,

I will try to keep this brief. Won't throw all the gory details out there.

I decided to sign up to this today because something has to change, I have suffered with depression most of my adult life and I have been alienating friends and family ever since.
I seem unable to change, I'm a very jealous person, insecure, negative and also selfish.

I have recently discovered that my health has taken a knock, there is a possibility I have become infertile, or perhaps something even worse, I found this out on Boxing Day, I get a scan on the 14th and results on the 21st, only my husband knows this. I have no friends and I mean NO friends, I have just deleted facebook as it was full of people I am acquainted with but it only highlights how alone I am because none of them are actually friends anymore. Only gives me a platform for jealously as I'm an outsider, uninvited!

I only have my husband and 2 year old son.
I seem to revel in making my husband feel bad and I don't know why, I love him dearly but I actually feel like he hates me.... I already know his family hates me because they have actually told me this.

Ever since then it has become apparent that I'm really not a very nice person, if I was surely I'd have people around who care, but I really think that the only folks that would miss me if I left are my husband, child and parents. I don't think I'm a bad mum but I do think I hold him back, I've worried his whole life that something would happen to him and had him at hospital countless times, I try toddler groups but feel everyone has a clique and there's just no room for us.

My point being, if bad things happen to bad people, maybe I've brought this on myself.

I can't be happy for others, I can only think about how sad I feel for myself and I really am a very unlikable person

How do I change?

Sarah x

[stewart]

hi Sarah, and welcome to the forums.
you will find yourself amongst friends here who understand how the big D can impact on all our lives,
hop the scan goes in your favor.

[Pip]

Hi Sarah,

Trying to change isn't about making huge changes quickly and more to do with they way you think and how you process everyday challenges.  Members here can help you as we all suffer with depression in varying depression, dome of us can pinpoint exactly why we suffers, some struggle to know why and others don't have a specific reason.  Nobody will judge you here either.

You're not completely unlikable or unlovable and the fact that your husband and son are still with you says something.  People who tell you they don't like you or ignore you says more about them than it does about you.

You behaviour could be because of a number of reasons such as low self esteem, lack of confidence, having a low opinion of yourself.  Being accepted for who you are is half the battle but we are here ro support you.