I guess I should say hello

[Pip]

I forgot to add in my last post that I haven't had more children even though we wanted them.

My son is a very angry man which isn't helped by the fact that he found out that I was coerced into surrendering so he grew up believing a lie which was I didn't want to raise him.  My family reinforced this by keeping up the lie then my mum in effect rejected him twice first at birth then when he found my family.  He did have contact on and off with my dad, my sister and her family.  Now he is angry with both natural and adoptive families so has little to do with either family and apparently under his partner's thumb.  Last year I found out he has a son now so not only do I not know my grandsons name I don't even know when he was born.

I understand what you mean about not wanting to get close to other people.  Once you get hurt by the people you should be able to trust it's hard to get close to anybody else.  I;ve been married for 20 years and still find it hard to get close to anybody.

You're definitely not a mental case though.  How you feel is absolutely normal but other people don't 'get it' because they haven't lived through your experiences.

I remember when I had counselling through After Adoption I got absolutely no help or understanding from the counsellor.  She had had 6 weeks training, hadn't being the job long and was used to elderly ladies who wanted the 'sympathy and tea' help.  I was an angry 42 year old so it floored her.  She got more out of me than the other way round as I had started getting support from an adoption forums.

[Hanny]

I completely understand why you didn't have any more children. I feel like if I moved on with my life and found happiness again that I'd be cheating my boys, I don't deserve to have a good life after my bad decisions ruined theirs. The hardest part is that they'll never know the truth about what happened and why I left. I know they'll be angry and I can understand your son's anger  my family was torn apart when I was a child and I still can't forgive my father for not being there for us or my mother for what happened.

My work sent me to see a councillor at the start of the year because I was signed off sick for 2 and a half months suffering from amnesia, time skips and blackouts, this was before I left and lost my children, she told me she couldn't help me because I was too damaged. If I was too damaged back then then what hope do I have now. I also spoke to a support worker from victim support about the things my ex boyfriend had done to me and she told me that I was emotionally damaged and that my life would end up self destructing because of the things that had happened to me and because I couldn't get over them and that I would end up hurting everyone close to me but she never offered me any help. I went to my GP and told him about the way I felt, I even confessed that I carried a kitchen knife in my bag to protect myself and that I was getting intense feelings of hatred towards men that I didn't even know, I told him that I was scared that I would end up hurting someone if my head went off on one but he didn't take me seriously. It had to get to the point where I'd lost everything and tried to kill myself before anyone would listen.

[Pip]

It's disgusting how you have been treated  When you see a consellor, doctor or anybody else who is supposed to help you that's exactly what should happen even if means passing you on to someone who can help.  Do find anybody telling you to get a grip on life and to get medical help?

I occasionally have run ins with an adoptive mother on Y!A (yahoo answers) who periodically gets it in her head that it's about time I let go of the past, got counselling and move on.  It's got to the stage that I have blocked her now and report her to the yahoo team when she is nasty about me or anybody else.

You do deserve a good life.  We all make mistakes in our lives but it doesn't mean we have to punish ourselves for the rest of our lives.  I spent too many years beating myself up over what happened in the past but I eventually realized I shouldn't punish myself for what other people did.  My son was angry before we reunited which I expected and he has reason to be angry now and towards me.  However one of the reasons we fell out was because he was blaming me for all his mistakes and all that was wrong in his life.  I apologised to him for anything I did to hurt him but I refused to apologise to him fore his own mistakes or the hurt others caused him.

With your sons there may come a time when they will want to hear your side of events.  I'm not saying they wont be angry but they may be mature enough to accept what's happened.  The important thing is if you can have a relationship with them that they know you love them no matter what, that you know what mistakes you made and that you have done your best to change things.  You are trying to make your life better even though the professional help hasn't been good.  You can prove that you are trying your best which includes reaching out here for support.   

[Hanny]

That woman on Yahoo should be reported to the police for harassment if she continually victimises you. Nobody around me told me to get a grip, they all said you're the strong one you'll be fine. I think because I was always the one to step up and help, people when they needed it they just thought that I'm the one that helps not the one that falls apart. I think my mother ignored what was going on because I don't think she could cope with knowing she messed up all 3 of her daughters so I had to be alright.

I know people say you shouldn't beat yourself up but it's hard, I think about my boys all the time and I know that they're hurting so it makes it so much worse. I don't blame you for saying to your son that you're not going to apologise for the mistakes he's made. I find it incredible how one decision can impact on you for the rest of your life. I spend far too long pondering all the decisions I've made trying to work out the exact point at which it all went wrong. I unpick it down to the minutest decision even down to what I was wearing when I met people.

we all make mistakes it's part of life and we have to learn from them but when things keep going wrong no matter what you do to try and make things right you get to the point where you just give up trying. Stuck in limbo, don't want to let go of the past and too tired of fighting and too terrified of what the future holds to move forwards.

[Pip]

That woman I can deal with as she soon shuts up as so many people get annoyed.  There have been occasions though when I have had to do something.  Two years running I went through a few months of cyber bullying from someone who claimed to be British or Irish who had surrendered a child, got married and adopted her step daughter, had spoken to her daughter and they were quite happy to not have contact, her adopted died then she was pregnant in 2012 which was the second year of cyber bullying me.  She also claimed to be a court clerk and insisted there was no such thing as coerced / forced adoption because a mother 'had to sign the Consent to Relinquish form in Court.'  Not all mothers do sign it in court and years ago it was more likely that the mother of the mother surrendering her baby or social worker to sign the form.  I have personally got to know mothers who not only know they didn't sign the form but they have also proven it.  Anyway this particular woman continually called me a liar, told me I felt guilty for choosing adoption and blamed other people for my mistakes, and, used one of my blogs and an interview (on youtube in two parts) my husband and I did on This Morning to out me as a liar all because the word coerced wasn't used in the interview.  People who know me backed me up and pointed out that the interview was about reunion not coerced adoption.  Both years running I and other people reported all the questions and answers she posted that she believed outed me as a liar.  The worst ones were removed.  In both years I eventually emailed the Yahoo team and told them that if they didn't do anything I would, quoted three British laws on cyber bulling and told them I had copies of all the questions and answers where she had attacked me.  I also pointed out that if she didn't stop I would involve the police and that did the trick.

The other person I had problems with was last year with someone who tried joining here.  I sent him asking for information he hadn't supplied and in return I got several abusive emails which included threats.  He joined up under another username with false information and another member of the admin team approved him without realizing it was the same person.  He then posted several abusive posts with threats towards me mainly but also to other members in general.  We did get the police involved during this time who were able to find him then asked me what course of action I wanted taken.  As I believed he was severely depressed all I wanted for him was professional help so they were able to do this so a positive end to it.

I completely understand how you feel over trying to live a normal life, without beating yourself up / not being able to find the strength to move on.  Emotionally I was in limbo for 23 years and I still have my bad times.  It doesn't help when you know you can't change the past and can only hope is that one day your sons will understand why you had to leave them.