Hello....I am new here, just introducing myself

[JC]

Hello

I joined the forums yesterday and just wanted to say hello and introduce myself. This is a new experience for me; I have never joined any forum before so please bear with me if I make mistakes.

Just a brief bit of background into what has lead me here.

On 6 May this year my partner Alan, the love of my life and best friend, died suddenly at home. The first two weeks afterwards were so busy with funeral arrangements, legal business, notifying the bank etc., that I was almost on auto pilot and just got on with everything. After the funeral the though shock, anger, disbelief and an overwhelming sense of loss took over my life, I was finding it hard to function day to day.

I slept around three hours a night and could not cope; this was when I started drinking quite heavily. Alan and I had always enjoyed a drink and I thought a couple of drinks would just relax me a bit but this soon escalated to drinking until I couldn’t stay awake any longer.

I had been experiencing periods of low mood for some time. For reasons I won’t bore you with here, Alan and I went through some very difficult times from 2009 onwards. Not in our relationship, that was always rock steady, the only consistent and reliable thing in our lives.

Each year seemed to get worse and in October last year my dad died after a long battle with cancer. The periods of low mood became more prolonged but I never identified them as depression; I just thought “well everybody gets cheesed off at times, pull yourself together!”. I never mentioned how I was feeling to anyone and I am so expert at hiding my emotions that not even Alan realised how low I was.

Alan’s death was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Rather than periods of low mood I now had a constant feeling of profound sadness, terrible guilt and thinking every day that I did not want to go on. Amazingly, I still never recognised this as depression; I just thought it was a normal grief reaction, although I hadn’t been the same way when dad died. It was only when I went to the GP to address my binge drinking, because it was affecting my ability to work, that it was identified.

I have been attending counselling once a week for a while but I find it very difficult. I have isolated myself, to a degree, from family and friends and I am fairly certain they are sick of listening me go on about this anyway.

Anyway, to the point! I think I will find it a lot easier to “talk” with people experiencing similar feelings  and via the relative anonymity of these forums. If you have read this, thanks for your time and I hope that some of you might also find the time for a “chat” sometime.

Many Thanks
JC

[Pip]

Welcome JC,

There aren't any rights or wrongs how to post here and the members are friendly.  Although I haven't lost a partner my mum died on the 1st April 2011 which was two days before Mother's Day.  We didn't have the greatest of relationships so I was left with regrets that so many things were left unsaid.  The positive to come out of it was that it brought my dad and I closer together.

Sometimes it is much easier to share experiences with complete strangers that family and friends.  From my own experience I have made so many friends over the years as I could be honest.  Nobody will judge you here as we have all gone through different types of depression caused by different reasons.

[JC]

Hello Pip

Thanks for welcoming me to the forum. When I apologised, in advance, for any mistakes I make I really meant double posts and hitting send before I have completed my message, for example, my nieces and nephews find it hilarious that I cannot use facebook properly!

Sorry for any confusion caused, everybody here does seem to be very friendly and I didn't mean to imply otherwise.

Very sorry to hear about your mum and the unresolved issues that left you with such pain and regrets; I am glad to hear that something positive came out of that terrible experience though.

You are completely right about it being easier to share experiences with strangers; it has been almost seven months since Alan died and, rightly or wrongly, I feel that people around me are tired of hearing me talk about how much I miss Alan and expect I should be getting on with my life now. I am not even comfortable talking to the counsellor and that is what she is there for!

I think the main reason I joined this forum is that everyone here has gone through, or is going through, similar experiences to mine; I will be able to share my feelings in a "safe space" and people will not judge me. It is great to have that confirmed by you though, thank you so much.

By the way I saw your post about the Ten Commandments for Pet Owners, when I was having a look around;  it really made me smile.

[Pip]

Thanks for putting me straight  I've had a long day as I help out with a lunch club which is on every Friday.  I'm exhausted anyway but to put me on a downer as well I burned myself with boiling water earlier.  Fortunately it wasn't serious.  On top of that I came across some idiot drivers today.  Two were at a zebra crossing and a driver stopped one side, another stopped short to let another driver out of a turning.  That driver wasn't concentrating so drove over the crossing so myself and another pedestrian had to stop in the middle of the road.  The driver that let that one out followed even though he could see us standing in the middle of the road.  About ten minutes later I was crossing another road and another stupid driver turned left into the turning then swerved round me as he realized then that I was crossing the road before he turned into it 

[JC]

Oh dear and OUCH!! Hope your hand is okay.

I know what you mean; I am shattered all the time. I work thirteen miles from home and don't drive so Monday to Friday it is up at 5.30, take the dog for her morning walk, have a shower and try to make myself look presentable; then on the 7.00am bus, do my day's work and get home for around 6.30-7.00pm. By the time I have taken the dog for her evening walk it is 8.00pm and the I just flop on the sofa.

The really annoying thing is that, as tired as I am, I just cannot get to sleep at a reasonable hour; even with the meds!!

Idiots are a constant bugbear too aren't they? Cyclists and taxis thinking that red lights don't apply to them, drivers in the wrong lane that suddenly veer across into your path and it was only last week I had to grab an idiot pedestrian who nearly stepped out into moving traffic because she was texting, that is not the first time either!! Sounds horrible but sometimes I just think I should let Darwin's Law apply and leave them to it!

[stewart]

Hi JC, welcome to the forums, the loss of a partner is indeed a tragic situation to be in,
I too lost my partner last year to cancer, they may have picked it up sooner if Lynne wasn’t so stubborn about going to the docs, in a way I think that as her aunt died from breast cancer, she feared the worst.
And tried to hide everything, and put the increasing pain down to her diabetes.

Hiding the way you feel is not a good idea, in itself can make you feel even worse with stress.

From experience I know it is hard to get a straight answer, even fron a shrink, seems like for some reason they don’t want to use the phrase ‘clinical depression’ or any other such type of depression.

As for councilors, they will say that sadness and guilt are steps in the grieving process, well, I guess they are (think they say there are 5 steps) but how each of us manages to handle them, if indeed we can at all is different for everyone.

You may well indeed find it easier to talk to people on the forums, you can even send private messages to anyone if you want to.
If your ‘friends’ are getting tired of hearing you talk about how much you miss Alan, they are not very understanding.

For grief counseling, I would recommend ‘Cruse’ (if that’s spelt right) but there resources are rather stretched and it may be a long wait to see someone. If you need support with general things such as shopping or paying bills, you cant go wrong with ‘MIND’ just google them and see if they have an office near you. They have great support workers. And will help you as much as possible.

Being on auto pilot is something I can relate to very well, eating for example is just done as a necessity rather than enjoyed, anything that will fit in the microwave will do.

Sleeping is also a problem at times, before a change in meds I would wake up every hour or so, now with meds I get a half way decent sleep, so if you haven’t already, I would sujest talking with your doc about things, there is a plethora of medication out there for depression, its just finding one that works for you.

Stewart

Don’t worry about typo’s, we all make them at times.

[JC]

Hi Stewart

Thank you for your welcome and your kind words.

So sorry to hear that you too lost your partner; other than the loss of a child, it is (only in my opinion) the worst thing that can happen to us. The loss of the person who understood you most and was your best friend in the world is, as you say, a tragic situation to be in.

There is a history of cancer in my family too, couple of deaths and one survivor. The last thing I want to do is patronise you but I can, in some small way, understand why Lynne was so stubborn about going to the GP. In my family we tend to either overreact or go into complete denial.

You are right, hiding one's feelings is not a good idea and it has added to the stress of losing Alan and trying to adjust to my life without him. Unfortunately, this is not a new development; I have, ever since I can remember, kept my true thoughts and feelings to myself and I am well aware that some of the people around me refer to me as the "Ice Queen". 

I have been seeing a counsellor but I find it very difficult to talk about myself and tend to avoid the tough questions by "clamming up" and not talking at all. She tells me exactly what you have said about the grieving process, the five steps and that it is very early days; thing is Stewart I don't want to seem ungrateful but I get quite angry (inside) with these trite platitudes because it almost feels as though they are telling us what we want to hear. Hope that makes sense!!

My family and friends are as supportive as they know how to be but, and this may just be paranoia on my part, when I talk about Alan I can see their faces change, as if to say "oh dear she is off again!". It is very nice to talk to people like you on here that understand it is just not that easy to "get on with your life". Our respective partners were such a major part of our lives that their loss is not something we cannot just shrug our shoulders about and say "oh shame, best crack on now eh?".

Before I met Alan I lived in Spain and there is a lovely saying there that I used to say to him.

"I love you more than I did yesterday but not as much as I will tomorrow" - although he is not here with me this still holds true and it always will!

Thanks again Stewart for your kinds words of support; hope we "speak" again soon.

JC

[stewart]

i also had something i would say to Lynne, 'meine Liebe ewig'

German for my 'love eternall'

[Pip]

You are right, hiding one's feelings is not a good idea and it has added to the stress of losing Alan and trying to adjust to my life without him. Unfortunately, this is not a new development; I have, ever since I can remember, kept my true thoughts and feelings to myself and I am well aware that some of the people around me refer to me as the "Ice Queen". 

You being referred to as the Ice Queen reminds me of when I was in my 20's.  I started suffering with depression when I was 12 or 13 although I didn't know it then due to emotional / verbal abuse from my mum.  When I was 19 I was pregnant but despite having split from my baby's father I knew I wanted to be a mother.  I was working so could have financially as well as emotionally been a parent.  When my parents found out they blatantly bullied an lied to me and the adoption agency also lied to me.  I didn't know my rights, didn't see any paperwork, never signed anything and never agreed to my son being adopted but the adoption still went ahead.  Subsequently I lost my trust in my parents and it affected all my relationships because I felt I couldn't trust anybody.  I was also expected to get on with my life, never talk about my son and forget about him.  My way of coping was emotionally shutting down and putting on a happy front.  My friends started calling me the Ice Maiden as I would flirt with men but I would keep them at arm's length.

My hand is better than it was but today a lady at church got hold of my wrist today at church to get my attention.  I have arthritis in both hands and my right wrist which she gripped so I was clenching my teeth  .  She didn't realize I was in pain and I didn't have the heart to say anything 

[JC]

Hi Stewart and Pip

Stewart - that is beautiful, thanks for sharing.

Pip - that is so and I am sorry you had to go through such an awful ordeal, the loss of your baby in those circumstances must have been terrible for you. All forms of abuse are unacceptable but emotional abuse is, in my opinion, one of the worse, the "scars" are not visible and they sometimes never heal. I can completely understand how abuse of trust, by those you should have been able to trust most, affected your relationships; if you don't let people get close they can't hurt you can they?

Ouch again! Not had a good week with your hands have you?

[Pip]

All I ever wanted was for my mum to say sorry for her part in my son being adopted but I never got it because she always believed she was right.  My son my family before I found him but my mum still didn't want to know but dad and my sister made the effort so it was easier for me to forgive my dad than my mum.  My mum was cruel enough to send my son a letter telling him to accept that I didn't want to be found which she knew was a lie.  My family told him for almost five years that they didn't know where I was.  I found him through Genes Reunited so it blew his world apart to find out I had been coerced into surrendering and that I had wanted to be found.  My mum's excuse was they didn't know if my husband knew about him.  Yet my sister had told him about my son many years ago just to cause trouble.  Unfortunately my family make The Addams Family look normal.  At the moment my son and I aren't talking as he is an angry man and has a lot of adoption related issues. 

[JC]

Wow! It is not often I am lost for words but that has just left me speechless!!

I am stunned that they did all that to you and I honestly don't know how you found the strength to carry on, re-build your life and, most of all, forgive them. I know I am not that good a person.

I really don't know what to say other than I hope your son can resolve his issues and you can have a relationship with him in the future.