tarle1976 this is extrememly difficult for you to cope with. You are distressed and desperate for clarity. It is right for you to feel this way because you love her and you don't want her to feel this way.
I had to deal with all the trappings of a depressed partner too and oh my word do I know how hard it can be. This is the only advice I can think of to give you.
1) The best piece of advice anyone gave me was this 'she is poorly, so she will be doing and saying poorly things'. Keep that in mind and use it as your mantra. The first thing you need to know is that you are dealing with an actual actual broken person. Just as you might be looking at some one in a neck brace and plaster cast, the same level of brokenness is going on inside your wife, but it is internal not external. Your eyes and head will be telling you to expect normality because that is what they can see, but your heart will be feeling pain and confusion and you have to educate them both.
2) No professional should be advising divorce etc. Did you hear this from the professionals mouth with your own ears? if so it is SO unprofessional that I believe it can be discounted. Registered, code of conduct abiding professionals must remain impartial and only help you to come to your own decisions, not theirs. If it came from your wife, you can not believe it. She is poorly, so she will be doing and saying poorily things.
3) How was your relationship before this happened?
4) Involve your children and teach them how to cope. It is maybe not such a good idea to 'hope they are not picking up on anything' because they certainly will be. Give them the tools to cope. Educate them. Childhoods mess up children and adults because an innocent childs mind has had to try to make sense of highly complex problems that it has not yet evolved to capacitate. Consider not yours and your wifes therapy, but therapy for your children. Enlist a specialist qualified, listed, BACP registered therapist, go see them and explain, and formulate a way to talk about, understand, accept and process the challenges your family are facing at present in professional monitored sessions. Make them fun, interractive, whatever you need to do. But don't try to hide it from them or hope they can not see, teach them how to cope.
5) is there a truth in what she thinks? yes! she truly believes that it would be better if her life ended so that she didn't have to deal with this. But what she is actually saying here, is that she wants how she feels to stop and be happy. She just CAN NOT see how that cold happen at the moment. because she is poorly. She is seeing things in a poorly way. The only way she can think of to make this stop is to end her life. but of course there are ways, she just can't see them.
6) You mention that her meds are working, what makes you say this?
7) you are a loving partner supporting your wife. If it feels right to do that then you are doing the right thing. If you or your children are ever in danger, please move out. But this can still be temporary. It doesn't have to be the end of everything for ever. If it is difficult but not dangerous, and it feelins right to continue and you can help you children not to be affected by it and tech them the tools to process this without becomng dmaged by it, then do it.
8) We are right behind you. Get it out in here and let us help. This is an awful situation. Look after yourself so that you don't end up in the same state.
Take Care
Lol x
