Just feel alone and don't know what to do

[coco2012]

Hello there, my friends call me CherCher.

In 2008 I found myself on the floor in the hallway crying my eyes out. Strange really, was like an out of body experience I stood over myself watching this person who was me, in silence I saw my anguish. It That was the day I allowed my mum to come and take me to the doctors and the day I started my medication and the day which changed my life forever.

A series of awful things had happened to me over the space of 15 years which finally made me break. Before that day I was a happy, ambitious, life loving person. Like I loved waking up in the morning and everyday felt like something amazing was about to happen (sickening no). My happiness was infectious and I felt this. I was silly and if I never made someone else laugh I would most definitely laugh at myself.

At the beginning of 2011 I felt ready to come off my medication and started decreasing my dosage, eventually I went to a yoga detox retreat to get everything out of my system and had journey therapy and various counselling and healing and I left feeling reborn.

I was able to love myself and start a new relationship and welcome love in my life.

It just so happens that the person I chose who is now my boyfriend had also previously suffered from depression, so we understood each other.

September of last year (2011)he started to get depressed and slowly slowly started to lose his sex drive. We moved in together in the November and he has got progressively worse. It has sadly rubbed off on to me and I found myself clouding over again, searching for help, feeling like I’m drowning not wanting to go back into what I can only describe as lonely darkness.

I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone who has depression, it’s tough, I really miss my boyfriend, I miss the person I fell in love with, I miss the intimacy and making love and the fun and laughter we had and just the abundance of happiness, some people might think it was the “honeymoon” period, it wasn’t just that, we found each other and knew we wanted to be together till the end, when you know you know.

It’s hard because he won’t seek help because he does not want to feel like he has failed should they advise medication, but instead he self-medicates on alcohol, speaks down to me, is snappy, doesn’t talk to me, won’t be intimate, over eats till he feels guilty. It’s just absolutely awful, his energy is so negative.

I honestly don’t know what to do? I love and care for him, clean the house, do the shopping, cooking, washing, offer him support, try and get him to open up, keep my energy up to lighten the mood at home, but I feel like I annoy him, irritate him.

What’s worse is that I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel rejected, unattractive, boring, like maybe I have brought this on for him. I’m not sure I am strong enough to manage this. But I love him. I feel guilty all the time like I am selfish for thinking about what I need.

Sorry to bang on and on, but I have been looking for a help forum for months and felt a relief when I saw how you all talk to each other.

I guess I need to hear that I am normal and it is all fixable… I just want peace and to be happy again.

Love and light

CherCher x

[Buttercup]

Hi and welcome to the forum  :) :)

Just wondering has he been to see the GP recently?

You need to take care as well, maybe it would be worth having a chat with your GP

 &*(

[coco2012]

Hello Buttercup,

thanks for responding,
Afraid not no,until last week he just continued to make excuses. He has an appointment to go this Thursday but guaranteed he will discuss everything but his depression.


 &*(

[Buttercup]

I'm very guilty of that.  Hopefully the GP will be able to pick up on something though  :)

[Sweetpea]

Hi and welcome,

Its very hard for people with depression to open up and talk about how they feel, I know I found it very difficult when I was first diagnosed.  Hopefully his dr will pick up on things when he goes for his appointment on Thursday.

S x

[KateG]

Hi and welcome, I really hope he can be honest with his GP.

Kate x

[Jonty]

CherCher

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your post.  Going to the GP was a big step for me; it meant admitting something was wrong and I suppose that's the place your boyfriend needs to get to - I'm sure he will.  The fact that he has made an appointment has to be a step in the right direction.

Like you I am new to the forum but everyone has been so kind and helpful and just writing the posts has helped me so that I no longer feel like the only person in the world who feels like this.

I hope the doctors appointment works out and make sure you express yourself on the forum as the people on hear are a great help.

Regards

John

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome Cher Cher xxx

[cazzzy]

hi,
im new here too !..as the others have said your gp is the best thing you can do and to be honest you have to ensure you are well,some times we have to put our selves first 1 hard i know,sadly your boyfriend is the only one who can sort him self out ! all you can do is be there,but if your not well you cant help him or yourself
hope all goes well takecare xx

[Simon123]

Hi,

From my experience don't try and force him.  I am convinced my wife has depression too but she is not as willing as me to seek help plus she seems a little Bipolar so she probably homes in on the hyper stages and says she isnt depressed.

Its very hard for a man to admit to what is generally (and wrongly) considered a weakness by the wider world so he appears to be going for the more socially acceptable option of getting drunk/brushing it under the carpet.  I also havent admitted it to my work in case it affects me in the future.

I am still scared to be fully open with my doctor in case he decides i need to be hospitalised.  This sort of thing might be playing on his mind too.

My best advice is that you get yourself in the best mental shape you can so that you can cope with how he is and then keep chipping away in the hope he sees sense and then visits a GP.

Hope this helps.

[Simon123]

sorry, should have said that Sex drive is an odd one.  If anything, mine gets less on medication.  Dont take anything he does while depressed personally.  If he really is depressed, Intimate contact can be very intimidating.

[mamalou]

Hi CherCher,

This forum is really supportive. You can tell it how it really is ! Depression is such an all consuming illness, but you need to look after yourself as well as your partner. Don't forget to visit your own GP too, you can keep half an eye on what's happening for you while things are difficult.

I haven't been a member here long but sometimes when it all gets too much, I read others posts and breathe a sigh of relief  and occasionally put a post out there myself.

Welcome and big hugs. Hang in there.

mamalou x x

[chelliiee]

Hi there I found your post interesting so I thought I would comment,
I have been in a similar position I met my ex boyfriend on a depression forum he had major depression and psychosis I also suffer with depression.

At first we were able to support each other, talk about our problems then I recovered he got worse, started hearing voices thought me and his family didn't love him or want him alive anymore, he ended up leaving me because of feeling this way.

It is frustrating trying to deal with this he used to be very open with me then he stopped talking and stopped taking his meds.

I would try and hang in there I know it is hard but your partner knowing you are there for him will make a huge impact on him, try and encourage him to go to see a doctor talk to him about when you was once depressed and how it helped you once you got help maybe he'll go and see a doctor, or he might be scared?