Depression Forums
General => Fun Stuff => Topic started by: craig84 on August 01, 2013, 01:47:09 PM
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A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."
"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"
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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
"Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change."
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guy goes into the doctor, hey doc, i feel like a bar of soap, ...doc says 'thats lifeboy/
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Ransacked Blonde
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
"They send me a BLIND policeman."
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A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop."
The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops."
She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"
Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"
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Ransacked Blonde
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
"They send me a BLIND policeman."
LMAO - love it
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I am blonde but I also love 'blonde' jokes :biggrin:
Convenience Store
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"
"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"
The manager shrugs, "Sorry."
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.
"Nope. Don't have that."
"My Gosh!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the darn store!"
The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."
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A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."
"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
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neighbour looks over the fence and sees the daughter of his neighbour sobbing, as she wipes tears from her golded locks, he asks whats wrong mandy?
im burrying my coldfish she says,
why thats a mighty big hole for a little goldfish he said,
mandy takes a sniffle and a breath and says, thats cos its inside your &^*@#ing cat
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A Kerryman went to the cinema and, having bought his ticket, went in to see the film. A few minutes later he came back to the box office and bought another ticket. Five minutes later he returned and bought a third ticket.
'Look', said the girl at the ticket office, 'what are you playing at? That's the third ticket you've bought'.
'I know', said the Kerryman, 'but there's a crazy guy inside who keeps tearing them up'
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i saw this on a thread in the lounge and robbed it from stewart ;)
Daughter of a very catholic family goes home one weekend and gives her dad the keys to a brand new merc, and a 24 carrot gold and black pearl necklace for her mother, a month later she has this nice big fishing boat delivered to her parents, along with the title to their house she paid off.
When she went to see them the next month, her father asked how she had made so much money, she tells him, hearing the shouting from the father, mum comes in and asks what’s going on, the daughter says, that I told dad what I done and he thought I said id become a protestant
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Guy walks into the doctor…
Hey doc, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doc says
Pull yourself together man
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A man was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of cosmetics knocked on his door and asked to see his wife. The man told her that his wife wasn't home.
"Well," replied the saleswoman, "could I please wait for her?" The man directed her to the living room and left her there for more than three hours.
The saleswoman was getting really worried, so she called out to the man and asked, "May I know where your wife is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she returning?"
"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."
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man walks into a bar.......... OUCH!
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Things My Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done – if you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
My mother taught me religion – you better pray that will come out of the carpet.
My mother taught me about time travel – if you don’t straighten up, i’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!
My mother taught me logic – because, I said so, that’s why.
My mother taught me more logic – if you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.
My mother taught me foresight – make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.
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Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly†for you prudes).
It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.
He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.
We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl†so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?
That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.
On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized …
My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.
HOW DO YOU TELL A MAN YOU JUST STARTED DATING, THAT THE REASON YOU ARE WRITHING IN PAIN IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FART.
The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.
“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.†I managed to say through gritted teeth.
“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?â€
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?
Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “am I smelling something?†sort of way. More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?†sort of way.
Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!†I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).
“What? Why?†Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!â€
“What’s going on?†Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …†then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!†he screamed.
“Roll down the windows!†As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.
It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.
Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.
We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.
He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!†and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.
I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.
Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.
“Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?â€
“Get away from the door!†I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.
“Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?â€
*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*
“I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?â€
“Okay, are you sure you’re …â€
“I’m fine! Get away from the door!â€
This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!
Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.
But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this … “It was your rack that saved you,†he just lovingly reminded me.
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CHURCH SERVICE of THE FUTURE
PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"
CONGREGATION: "Hallelujah!"
PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians 13:13. And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."
P-a-u-s-e......
"Now, let us pray committing this week into God's hands. Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"
S-i-l-e-n-c-e
"As we take our tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready."
"Please log on to the church wi-fi using the password 'Lord909887.' "
"Please use your iPad to make your electronic fund transfers directly to the church account. Or if you prefer, the ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the pews. If you forgot to bring an electronic device, you are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account."
The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!
Final Blessing and Closing Announcements: "This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out. Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers. God bless you and have a nice day. For daily inspiration until next Sunday, subscribe to Mikey's Funnies at www.mikeysfunnies.com (http://www.mikeysfunnies.com)."
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The garage was piled high with duck decoys, fishing rods, hunting boots, waders and outdoor gear of all kinds. Staring at the mess, the wife sighed, "I hope I die first, so I don't have to get rid of all this."
"Look on the bright side," the husband said, "If I go first, you can put an ad in the paper. When all the men come by to check out the gear, you can pick out a replacement for me."
Looking at the pile the wife said, "No, any guy who would want all this stuff would not be my type."
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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level. The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five-hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I ran away from a mad mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I went home and went right to bed."
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be quite an outdoors man!"
"No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer."
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Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; (I always call him "honey" in times like these.) I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me???" he barked , "I dropped you off!!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."
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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed little girl what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...spank him again!"
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Death on Vacation
During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case from many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he rose from the dead! I just can't take that chance."
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:rofl:
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The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?"
"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.
"Well, what does it do?" they queried.
"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper.
She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page. "WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool...but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?"
"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."
"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.
"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.
"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"
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One day a new chicken was introduced to the farm. The duck, who was the main bird in charge, shows the new chicken around. "This is where you go to get fed, this is the water trough and that is the coop. Chickens hang out near the fence, us ducks near the pond and the geese near the gate. We're pretty friendly but we keep to our own. Oh but whatever you do, DO NOT cross that road. You'll never hear the end of it."
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TRUE QUOTES ABOUT SCIENCE FROM KIDS
~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.
~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.
~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.
~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.
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TRUE QUOTES ABOUT SCIENCE FROM KIDS Part 2
~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
~ To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.
~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
~ The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
~ The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
~ A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
~ A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
~ Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
~ Liter: A nest of young puppies.
~ Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
~ Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
~ Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
~ Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
~ Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
~ To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
~ For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Okay."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Okay. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Okay, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click.' Twice!"
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HOW TO LIE TO THE BATHROOM SCALES
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps)
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
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Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the heck left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my ONE bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays, which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory, which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item - I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
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A four-year-old girl had to have an x-ray taken at the medical office where I worked. She had been in an accident with her bicycle and the doctor was afraid she may have broken her wrist. The girl, however, was very concerned about the procedure, and no matter how her mother tried to calm her, she kept putting up quite a fuss as we led her into the x-ray facility. When she came out a few minutes later, however, she was calm and all smiles. "They just took a picture of my bones," she explained to her mother.
"Yes, dear," her mom replied. "I told you it was easy. Did everything go well?"
"Yup. It was great!" the child exclaimed. "I didn't even have to take my skin off or anything!"
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Aboard an airline flight from Europe to America, Grandma Bern was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping. The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort. When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said. "Now that we've arrived, would you tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"
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Once upon a time there was a shepherd tending his sheep at the edge of a country road. A brand new Cadillac Escalade screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Briani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, Jovial Swiss wrist watch, and a BHS tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sprawling field of sheep and says, "Okay."
The young man parks the SUV, connects his notebook and wireless modem, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150 page report on his high tech mini printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd answers, "That's correct! You can have your sheep."
The young man takes one of the animals and puts it in the back of his vehicle. The shepherd looks at him and asks, "Now, if I guess your profession, will you pay me back in kind?"
The young man answers, "Sure."
The shepherd says, "You are a consultant."
"Exactly! How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Third, you don't understand anything about my business and I'd really like to have my dog back."
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!!
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ONE WOMAN'S TOP 11 REASONS FOR GOING ON A WOMEN'S RETREAT By Laurie Polich Short
1. I will be around people who use as many words a day as I do.
2. I will be amazingly unconcerned if there are any vegetables left on the plates of those around me.
3. I will not find Legos in my bed or trip on the Hulk when I go to the bathroom.
4. I will always be able to find someone to share a dessert. Or two. Or four. But in the end, each of us will only be having half a dessert.
5. I can keep the temperature as low as I want at night (this is especially beneficial for women over 50).
6. I will not have to explain my moods. And if I want to explain them, people will care.
7. When I share in my small group, no one will be checking scores on their iPhones.
8. No one around me will be afraid to ask directions to the dining hall.
9. I will always have company going to the restroom, and will actually have some of my most meaningful conversations there.
10. I will be able to go into any stall, and all of the toilet seats will be down.
AND finally...
11. Spending time away from the men in my life will help me appreciate them more when I come home. (Even if they turn on the football game when I am halfway through telling them about it.)
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Zen Master and the Hot Dog
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
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Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: "Shingles."
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles."
So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles."
The doctor asked, "Where?"
Kevin said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"
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WIFE'S DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing..." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HUSBAND'S DIARY:
A two-foot putt ... WHO misses a stupid two-foot putt!
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I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks."
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An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. As she waited for her friend, she decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
The husband texted back to her: I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
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A cowboy from Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going home to Texas for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the cowboy handed over the keys to a brand new Ford F-250 King Ranch. The truck was parked on the street in front of the bank. The old cowboy produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy from the south for using a $85,000 pickup truck as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the truck into the bank's private underground garage and safely parked it. Two weeks later, the old cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07, and took the keys to his truck. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumnus From Texas A&M, a highly-sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole Texan replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my truck for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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Joe had been a long-time and very valued member of his church in Austin. He was a trustee and always preferred to fix things rather than replace them and he was very adept at doing so. One day the pastor came in o the office on his day off to get something. He was dressed in very grungy clothing and wearing a pair of running shoes that were falling apart. If fact, when he walked down the hall to his office it sounded like he was wearing flip-flops. This old trustee heard the noise and told the preacher, "I think I have some glue that will fix those shoes if you'll give then to me."
A couple of days later he did just that. A week later, when he went into his office he saw a brown bag on his desk. Upon opening it he found his repaired running shoes and a handwritten note stuffed in one of them. It read: "It is a rare occasion when a parishioner is able to save the Pastor's sole."