Hello everyone, I'm a new guy here. Early last August, I was diagnosed with depression or Major Depressive Disorder by my psychologist. I had felt this way since my second year of high school, but even since I was probably about 9 or 10 I was aware that I was not very happy with life, even if it wasn't as serious (I just turned 17 today).
When I was seeing my psychologist every Friday, she was convinced that my low mood was a direct effect of my poor social life, of which there pretty much isn't one. However, the more I think about it, the more that seems highly unlikely. When I had really good friends in high school I still felt this way. It's like there's no reason for it whatsoever, and I don't like lying to people about how I feel, but if they ask why I'm feeling down when I say I am, they don't get it when I reply "I don't know why".
I feel like this has been a problem for every day for years now. I can feel happiness, joy, and other positive emotions, and I haven't been completely miserable every minute of every day, but when I feel a positive emotion it's like it's being numbed down, if that makes any sense. Like if you picture happiness as a sunny day, with me it's still bright, but it's really overcast; like I know it's there in the back of my mind, stopping me from feeling happiness to its fullest. I know you can't expect to go around happy all the time, but it's like this empty, miserable feeling is my default feeling for when I'm not busy feeling something else, which is pretty much most of the time, coincidentally.
I lost all of my good friends because they felt I was too depressing to be around, which quite badly effected me. All my life I've gone way out of my way for my friends, and they never returned the favor, and they constantly betrayed me, leaving me with serious trust issues. I don't even trust my parents one bit. I left school, which temporarily gave me a sense of euphoria, but it vanished quickly. It was like having the rug pulled out from under me, and all my old feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and self degradation came back in a flash, and here I sit with them now. I sleep too long, I've put on weight, I turn to alcohol whenever I can, and I have no motivation to fill out my university application, which I'm absolutely certain will be rejected, but I don't really care anymore. I don't do anything like I used to, and I spend at least 21 hours a day in my room, including sleeping of course.
If my religion didn't say anything against suicide, I would have done it a long time ago. Yeah, I'm a Christian. One of the only things that's stopping me from doing it is my religion. I know I'll never commit suicide, and that scares me, because it means I'll actually have to live out the rest of my life, which I'm certain will be pretty pointless and miserable.
