New and Lost

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Hi,

I decided to give this a go as i feel like i cannot burden my family or friends. I got diagnosed with clinical depression 2 years ago and it has been an on going battle. I am on 40mg of fluoxitine a day, have had counciling but sometimes it feels like nothing helps. The mask i put on is a front, my friends and family all see me as a strong outgoing person and it scares them that really am not...so i get a lot of "pull yourself togethers" and "you don't have problems" .

It all started 2 years ago...i have a very stressful job, an isolated job..in the respect that i am a female in a mans world, i was at sea i won't disclose to much but i stopped sleeping...i just couldn't..maybe got an hours sleep a night, stress and paranoid delutions is all i can say it was..my irrational thoughts thinking that everyone was criticising me when this was not the case..i saw a foriegn doctor who prescrbed me medication to help me sleep i was to take the tablets every 4 hours which i did exactly as described by said doctor...i collapsed 2 days later...another doctor said that i must have overdosed and i stress that i did not...after fainting about 3 more times after coming off the medication, i was sent ashore in alaska for phychiatric evaluation i was diagnosed with clinical depression, prescibed fluoxitine and sent home on leave...i quit my job at sea for life a ashore, got a new job and felt better for it. unfortunatly the triggers kept coming and i overdosed on painkillers...which no-one knows except my therapist...i did not recieve medical help and came out of the hase 2 days later, very sick. I went to the doctor who had me checked out and everything was ok. No lasting damage..in a way i was thankful...in a way i was not. I started excercing everyday making new friends through martial arts..and this really helped...gave me focus through meditation and hard exercise. Unfortunatly early 2009 i had a car accident which pushed me back into a depression bubble again which i have found so hard to escape...i have suicidal thoughts frequently and make myself sick a lot...not to loose weight but to gain a sense of control...i am lost and i can't find a way out and the only person that i can speak to is my theriapist...i am so scared and isolated and although i have lots of friends and my martial arts, i feel ashamed and like i cannot burden any of them with my problems...which i think is because i have never been able to talk to anyone like my mum for example when i was younger...she alway said to stop being stupid...which is kinda senseless as she is ill and my father had a nervous breakdown and so they should understand but hearing that you are being stupid and to pull yourself together from people who havbe been though near enough the same thing...makes me feel inadiquate and that i may just be overreacting...am i? I am still fighting this...but feel like i am loosing i still am doing martial arts and although my instructors don't know the details they do know i have depression and there constant reassurance is what is keeping me going...i want to be free from this...to mirror on the inside the smile and the mask of what is outside but it is so hard.

Thanks for listening to my grumbles

V x

[SocialServicesFighter]

You say you're doing Martial Arts but your Instructor doesn't know your inner turmoil?
I'd definitely recommend you speak to him/her and explain your thoughts, they should be able to help you with mental preparation and meditation techniques.
My old Tang Soo Do Sensei, Warren DeVry helped me when I was younger and I had some anger problems from bullies at school.

It's worth a try, especially when Martial Arts is something you actually enjoy doing.
Draw upon that 'enjoyful connection' with the Arts to bring an air of enrichment to your life.

These days, my own 'enjoyful connection' is playing pool. When I feel like cr@p I hit the baize.
Maybe you can do the same, and, with your Sensei helping mentally, hopefully it will see you right.

[bel]

Hi Vickilou, and welcome,
I think SSF's advice is very good, definitely worth a try.
I understand the fear and isolation, and putting on a mask. I'm sure most people on this forum do. On here you can say whatever you like and you don't have to pretend to be anything, or worry about burdening us with your problems.
I had very similar experience with my parents, they both had problems, as individuals and with each other, so had no resources (or desire) to even acknowledge my problems, much less help. Could this be the root of your depression? Do you think it may be worth exploring with your therapist? (If you're not already.) Not in any way to belittle your more recent traumas, but maybe they were some sort of trigger which set off something which had been lurking for a long time.
All the best, bel

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Thanks to you both x

I am actually going to leave this site...i can't do it..

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Why the hell can't i delete my bloody profile? i am not ready for this...i can't be on here...does anyone know how to delete?

Thanks

[bel]

Just don't forget we'll be here if you ever want to try again.
Best wishes, bel