caring for someone

[24fan]

well, I've not been on here for quite some time now, its not cos things have been great, just couldn't find the thread!   Anyhow, without sounding selfish, my situation is as bad as it was when I first posted on here.  Last week we weren't doing too bad, considering just after christmas and everything, anyhow, yesterday, he decides to not talk to anyone, ignores me when I returned home (I was out for a couple of hours in the afternoon), takes himself off to bed at 6:30pm, accepts my offer of tea and coffee in bed this morning, (in an attempt to let him know I was there for him) but then ignores me.  If I go downstairs, he comes upstairs (and vice versa)  I sprained my ankle yesterday and its swollen - yes I should probably go to hospital for them to check it out, but I refuse to ask him to take me and he just does not acknowledge me!  Don't know why I bother, yes I do, I love him to bits but he is destroying the life that we could lead.  On top of this, our son is also on medication for depression and is seriously considering leaving uni after 18months, so he will be in debt up to his eyeballs with nothing to show for it!  Hubby tried some new medication (again) but once again, didn't seem to be working so came off it.  On top of this, he is worrying about this new change, (he was receiving Incapacity Benefit), he has been put in the 'work related activity group', they gave him an appointment on 3rd Jan!  Aren't most people depressed after christmas!?  Anyway, I had to cancel, explaining that he wouldn't come out of the bedroom or talk to me, let alone travel to an appointment and discuss with a stranger, how people can help  I tried to explain to the person how he is, but don't think they take it seriously as its not 'visual'.  He has an appointment with his mental health doctor on tuesday (at last), if he manages to get there.  Must go, to all those who are suffering out there, we are not alone - there are wonderful people on here, whose words and encouragement always help - Thankyou!

[Catbrian]

I haven't met you on here before, but my heart goes out to you.  Many years ago, before I had any real experience of serious depression, I was in a long term relationship with someone who began experiencing the most debilitating depression.  It was bad enough to watch, but soul destroying to feel so much disregard.  Like you, it felt as if the depression was spoiling the life we could have had.  I admire you're approach, you have wisdom to understand and experience that guides your own response.

I'm not so sure your explanation to the DWP will be enough to keep 'him' out of trouble, they could suspend his benefit.  My advice would be to get a letter from a Doc explaining why he couldn't attend.  He can appeal being put on the "work related group" for ESA and aim to be put on the "support group" until he feels he will benefit from a one to one.

It will be a pity if your son drops out of Uni, as you say, with all this debt.  He can ask for a break for a year or two.  His depression would be grounds.

I wish I could say something more that would bring you strength and encouragement.  You need support yourself and I do hope you can find it on the Forum

[want2help]

Hello

I have just seen this thread. I have posted on the relationship board a few times (my bf has depression) but I just wanted to let 24fan and karinu that I know how you both feel.

[/quote]

 I

just joined the forum - pleased to find that there are so many of us coping with the same issues. My OH and I find it really difficult to talk about
anything but the next meal, shopping etc. The silences are deafening!

I have tried many times to tell him that I care about him, here to help, also how I feel. But every time it ends up in him getting angry or more
depressed. I think I have completely retreated into my shell.

My bf started to make reference to suicidal thoughts last Friday evening. He has never done this before. I was quite upset by these comments but I explained calmly that  I loved him very much and I wanted to help in any way I could and I was upset to see him so unhappy.  I He exploded and said I was only sorry and upset for myself. Like you karinu I now find myself retreating into my shell

[24fan]

hi want2help, as your 'name' states, we just want to help those who we love so very much.  Like you, I spend my life treading on eggshells, having to really think about what I say and how I say it,  I do think that with your patience and understanding he will realise that you ARE there for him.  My husband too has dwelt on suicidal thoughts, thankfully not for too long, but I never know when the next episode will be.  He has been like this for around 25 years, and I'm still here/there!  Try talking to him about the fact that you realise its his illness which causes him to act like he does and that you know thats not the real him.  I know thats easier said than done,  sometime I just feel like throwing it all away, but to be honest, the thought of what he might actually do terrifies me.  Apart from that, I love him to bits and couldn't live without him!  Just be there for him, let him know you DO care, he will realise what he is doing to you, but unfortunately, won't actually care at that moment in time, but there will be good times as well.  Just remember we are here for you, take care,