caring for someone

[Zaf]

I echo Holykimura's post, how people cope with those of us that are depressed is amazing and I admire you immensley.  I would say one thing, if you possibly can try to make a bit of time for you, preferably by going out of the house to do something enjoyable &*(

[24fan]

Hi again, things still the same, we had a couple of days this week when I thought he seemed a little better - he was laughing at 'have i got news for you'!  He was talking (albeit about just general things, but its a start) now we're back where we were last week, hardly speaking (unless spoken to) and doing nothing.  He always feels better when he starts to exercise, a couple of years ago, he lost a lot of weight through exercise and diet, he has great willpower when he wants to. Anyhow, he won't exercise, the doctors say 'even if its just a little walk or jog, try to do it every day', yes, he knows its good for him but is so depressed he just can't!  I read about some people who say ' I just said to myself, this is something I've got to do' -  Oh I get so angry with people, I dare say that providing you are a positive person to begin with, this is slightly easier, my hubby is very negative, something he freely admits and cannot tell himself to do something.  Because of his moods although I try to encourage him in very subtle ways, I have to be very careful what and how I say something, its like walking on eggshells.
I don't seem to have a life anymore.  I've been reading an article which I first read years ago, where someone writes 'the person caring for the person with depression likens it to being a single parent'  well, I'm not sure about that, although I'm sure being a single person is one of the toughest things to do, at least you only have yourself and kids to worry about.  I (and many others) are running around like headless chickens keeping the peace, making excuses for not going to family gatherings together (oh, he's not feeling too well, something he ate) making sure the kids behave, and sitting up worrying all night when the one you love goes out for a walk and you wonder if he's coming back.Not sure how long this is going to go on for this time round, will be back soon no doubt, in the meantime, thankyou for all your kind words.

[Zaf]

its very usual for people with depression to go up and down unfortunately

[Glen53]

You are clearly struggling with this and although there is nobody to 'blame' in depression, you need to be careful to look after yourself. He cannot help how he feels - you know this as well as we do from what you have written, but it wont stop how you from feeling lower as time goes by. How are you holding up in general? Are you coping or do you feel that its becoming a bit tough to take? Have you spoken to anyone recently (councilor etc) about how you feel?

I think in your current situation its time game. Over time he may be able to pull himself up through the worst of it but it still means that you have to go through this with him. If you can do things for yourself that help how you feel, then you will be stronger and feel more able to support him. I can see that you care very much for him, but as I said above at this stage you can do little more for HIM that you are not already doing.

I hope that the next few weeks see an improvement and that he feels better. In the meantime, we are here for YOU too - People like you are worth more than any amount of money or riches and I hope we can help you through these hard times.

[24fan]

Thankyou everyone - Zaf, I know that people with depression go up and down, believe me, when he is 'on an up' life is brilliant, we have so much to look forward to, however, he is currently sinking further and further down - I know that he will improve for a time, its just very hard watching someone you love suffering so badly and feeling so helpless. He has spoken about suicide in the past, to be honest, sometimes I fear it is just a matter of time and yet other times he can be so positive.  I've not spoken to anyone recently, at the moment I just feel so angry at the lack of 'care' he receives, he hasn't seen his mental health doctor for around a year (too many people in the system apparently) his social worker, although really nice and helpful, only seems to see him when I phone and insist she sees him.  He seems to have tried everything going and nothing works - anyone have any experience of ECT (is that correct?) We spoke about it years ago with his previous doctor who really didn't want to go down that route.  He has spoken in the past about being able to go to a 'hospital' for a few weeks where he wouldn't have any responsibilities and he could perhaps get the help he needs, likewise, I wouldn't be worrying as much as at least I would know he was in 'safe hands'.  Again, anyone have any experience?

[Sweetpea]

Sorry no experience of ECT.  I do feel for you I know it must be hard dealing with a partner with depression, often wonder how my hubby copes with me.  Your husband is probably beating himself up about how much he is putting on you, I know I do with my hubby.  Its awful that he is not getting much professional help, but it seems its the same everywhere.  I would have had to wait a year for counselling on the nhs.  There just isn't the funding.

I agree with Glen you need time for you, its very draining for you to be dealing with this.

At least you can talk to us here and we can maybe help in some way.

Take care

S x

[Glen53]

I can advise you a little on hospital admission but only from experience.

As you can read in my journal, I tried to support a friend and colleague through a very low point in her life and she became dependent on me. I could not cope with caring for her on my own and convinced her to go into hospital for support - for both our sakes.

I must stress the following is my experiences and opinions based on what i saw and my expectations as a nurse in the NHS with 14 years experience (albeit not mental health). There may be other accounts that have more balance.

When she went in she was self harming but she was talking to me about it and was not too bad - a few cuts on her arms. We were promised help for her but also for me in the form of counciling. I never got any help. She was left to her own devices in a ward full of various mental health conditions with patients screaming all night and talking to the walls. They gave her meds at the allotted times and that was it. Nobody spoke to her and she went to a meeting to speak to the team once a week where they talked about when to send her home. There was no input or support. the doors were locked on the unit and she was watched most of the day from a distance by nurses who had no interest in speaking to her. I myself witnessed several incidents between patients and staff that were unacceptable including a shouting match between a patient and the unit MANAGER including confidential information in the public dayroom. The patient can only have been in her 20's and although I dont know the details, she did not deserve the way she was treated. When my friend finally came out she was 8 stone in weight and covered from head to toe in scars. Her mantal state was worse and the only thing that saved her bacon was her determination and the fact that she had started to speak to her parents again who took over her support and battles as i needed to back away.

I dont want to put you off as Im very concious of the fact that you need caring for as much as he does. This may mean that you need a break and to step back for a bit, but in my opinion try to avoid hospital admission. If you come to the stage that you do need support and space of your own then ask questions about where he would be and what treatment he would recieve. There may be better units out there than my friend had access to - indeed i have heard good stories from others. I just wanted to be honest and spare you from the possibility of having the shocking 'treatment' that we went through in 2010.

[24fan]

Hi, Thanks Glen 53, that sounds horrific, no-one should go through anything like that, as if THATS supposed to make them feel better!  He is off to an appointment on Monday, doesn't want me to go with him, (I might insist) in the meantime, I will be speaking to his social worker about further appointments with his doctor, he is supposed to be seen every 6 months, I know funding is short, but no one seems willing to follow up, a couple of years ago, 18months passed and then he only got to see someone cos I phoned up at my wits end!  Anyhow, will see what the weekend brings, at the moment its not looking great, but hey ho, keep smiling!

[Glen53]

Perhaps offer to go with him and wait until the appointment, but allow him the space to go in on his own? Its a compromise that he may agree to. I know when i first began talking I did not want Rachel to hear some of the things I said - mainly because they were very dark and upsetting.

You are doing the right thing in pushing to get the regular appointments for him, but it doesnt seem fair that you are having to remind them of their obligations. The comment that they are busy etc should not apply as he is already a patient on 'the books' and follow up care should be carried out. It might be worth pointing out as a polite complaint.

I wish you both the best over the coming days, and remember we are here for you BOTH if we can help you. Once again I think people like you who support loved ones through this disease are truly wonderful and you need to be looked after too.

[24fan]

  Hey everyone!  things are looking up, hubby seems to have got to grips with things, albeit in a small way, he's more positive and is looking forward to the future, something I honestly  thought I would never see again.  I am prepared for knock backs but at the moment, am 'enjoying life' once again!  I pestered for a mental health doctors appointment, which, surprisingly, came through in 5 days!  He is on new medication, but just prior to this, we managed to talk in great depth about how he could help himself, he's changed his eating habits (well we both have), we've both lost weight and this, together with the new meds seems to be working at the mo!  Can't believe the change in him!  Thankyou all once again for just being there, I have no doubt I will be back again in the future, if only to say 'hi'.  If I could help someone as you lot have helped me I would be sooooo happy

[Zaf]

Thats great to hear :)

[Sweetpea]

Thats great news, I am so pleased for both of you.

S x

[Holykimura]

That's really good to here

[karinu]

Hi everybody,
just joined the forum - pleased to find that there are so many of us coping with the same issues. My OH and I find it really difficult to talk about
anything but the next meal, shopping etc. The silences are deafening!

I have tried many times to tell him that I care about him, here to help, also how I feel. But every time it ends up in him getting angry or more
depressed. I think I have completely retreated into my shell.

After a week of him being strangely "high", more agitated rather than "down" as usual, he seems a little calmer today. Maybe a good time
to ask him how he feels???????
He has been on anti-depressants for over a year without any effect. He hides his feelings very well, even to our GP. His family have no idea what
is going on - a common problem I feel.
As one of the other contributors said - anything but admitting how he feels!

Sorry this is a bit jumbled!

[24fan]

Hi Karinu, oh I know exactly how you feel!  Just keep hanging in there and keep visiting here, you get so many lovely words of encouragement to keep you going.  I've learnt to let hubby take the lead in talking about how he feels, its so hard to keep things on an even keel sometimes though, just remember that its the illness which affects the way a person may talk to you, not personal feelings.  Keep coming back here, there are so many people who will help, it also gives you an opportunity to 'give vent' (don't feel guilty) to your feelings towards this horrible illness.