caring for someone

[24fan]

Hi, I'm new here, I really need peoples help!  My husband of 32 years (yes really!) has been suffering depression for around 25 of those years - although he was only really diagnosed around 8 years ago.  He has tried so many treatments, all the pills had horrific side effects, although he did stick with them for the recommended time, none worked.  He's had cbt, he has a 'social worker' who visits once in a while and he's recently taken part in a study with some new tablets. I've read books about how to cope, I even went to a counsellor myself as I had suffered from bereavement and was finding things were getting on top of me.  I was told that I must tell him exactly how I feel, that he wasn't the only person suffering!  where do these people get their info?!  If I had said those things, I think he would have ended up storming out and possibly killing himself! I DO KNOW what/what not to say when he is feeling like this.
When he is feeling 'well' he is fantastic, unfortunately, those days are few and far between.  He is normally 'holed up'in the bedroom, watching tv, will not talk, despite me trying very light hearted conversations.  We have two children aged 19 and 15, wonderful kids who give us absolutely nothing to worry about, which I am grateful for as I feel I am on my own.  No one else knows of my husbands illness - its the way he wants it- so from an early age, the kids have been under the impression that when he hibernates in the bedroom, his asthma is playing up (he does actually have very bad asthma)  I love this guy to bits, would do anything for him but honestly, every year in Jan, I think, I cannot have another year like last year and yet, the following year I look back and it was every bit as bad!  I just do not know what to do.  I hope that by joining this forum I can at least write down my feelings every so often and maybe get a little support. Many thanks

[Lol]

Hi 24fan you are going through torture and you have been for a very long time!! You have been an absolute saint and have held your family together like a true and loyal wife and mother. So, first of all VERY WELL DONE YOU That is VERU noticable !!!

BUT, although the advice you were given about telling him how you feel is sligtly dodgey as you found, it is not entirely without cause... I think it is important to convey that some behaviours are not acceptable but to do it in a way that is appropriate to your individual circumstance is a very fine balancing act. I feel it is important to be able to convey how his depressive behaviours affect you so that he KNOWS. He is still a human. the trick is telling him in a way that is not going to spiral him further and if you feel that is not achievable you may not be able to. The ideal is.. that you can convey how the behaviours are affecting you and your marriage and family, so that the depression sufferer does not take liberties and forget that they are trying to get better. This is a very individual case by case thing though in my opinion.

i understand that you keep arriving at the same point and reflecting. This is very hard. If there are any particular questions you would like to direct to us please feel free. you may also feel you would like to separate your thoughts in a journal type way. What ever you find helps we are here for you. please use us as much as we can and I hope we help.

Take Care
Lol

[Ezel]

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[CharleysAngel']

Hi and welcome to the forum :)

I'm sorry you have had such a hard time. I can sort of relate to what you say about not being able to tell your husband how you feel. I have the same problem with my parents, they don't know that I have problems with depression and they would never accept it either.

You can tell us how you feel, I have found this forum really helpful. Everyone here is very friendly and supportive. You are not alone xx

[Sweetpea]

Hi 2fan,

Just wanted to say welcome.

 :)

S x

[Glen53]

Welcome to the forum.

Lol is right with his advice and comments. You sound like you are fulfilling a tough role in caring for him and by now im sure between the two of you that you know the illness fairly well. I respect you very much for the support you clearly give him - these are tough times for all of you.

Lol is right in what he says about letting him know your feelings for the purpose of him KNOWING. A lot of the time carers of depression sufferers stay quiet because they dont want to put any more pressure on their loved ones and this can take its toll on them. If you think something is important and he may want or need to know how you feel then it can sometimes be the right decision to talk about it with one another. As you have noted though, it doesnt feel right sometimes to burden the sufferer with other feelings that may make things worse. Thats when you have made a very smart move:...

You have done exactly the right thing in talking to a councilor yourself too. You can / should use these sessions to tell them how you feel about your role - especially the stuff you dont want to worry your hubby with. Some days you may get frustrated with his moods or behaviour, not because he annoys you, but because the SITUATION is getting you down. Its these feelings that the councillor should be able to help you most so that you can let off steam without upsetting him. Its so important to do this and look after yourself because you are taking on so much.

This forum is an excellent place to ask questions about the disease that you may want to ask other sufferers. it can help so much to know others feel and experience similar feelings and sometimes we can offer advice. Its also useful as a simple socialising and support tool for sufferers and their carers to share the battle together. After all, its a long term illness.

Once again, I respect the care and determination you clearly show in your support of him everyday and i hope this place can offer the same support to you as it has to me.  :)  

[Holykimura]

I think that anyone who cares for a loved one who has a mental illness deserves a medal. Sometimes and myself included forget that the rocky road that we suffer is also the same for those who love you. Your doing well and give yourself some credit. I think it's important that you say how you feel but like others have said it needs to be said at times when you feel your partner is having some good days. My partner freely tells me that she suffers when I suffer and she has to put up with my mood swings, tears, panic attacks do I think it is only right that at times her feelings should be taken into consideration.

Keep up the hard work you and hope you both find happiness more often :)

[24fan]

Thank you EVERYONE for making me feel I am not alone!  Hubby knows how his illness affects me, but as anyone with depression knows, at the time you just don't care who is hurt. I am just so exhausted (mentally) at trying to cope with everything, all the time putting a smile on my face for my family and the rest of the world. Anyhow, just wanted to say thanks, really appreciate people taking the time, :)

[Got]

All I can say 24fan is that you are an amazing person and I think that you are wonderful for still being with him and for still loving him. If only all people were like you.

XXXXX

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome :)

When you say every year in Jan do you mean the depression your husband has is worse or occurs only in the winter?  If so it sounds to me like he suffers from SAD as I do - I too have suffered from depression on and off for around 20 years and while mine can flare up during the summer its usually much worse in the winter or starts around the end of December when the days are shortest.

[Glen53]

We are here for you if and when you need some friendly advice or even just someone to talk to.

[Krazyt]

I wouldnt say i suffer as much as your husband but have been married for a long time and my wife has dealt with heaps of stuff because of me. All i can say is that i find myself saying and doing things then hating myself for it. I dont even know who the real me is anymore! Its amazing people like you cope and stay so loving and supportive.

[24fan]

Hi, back again and things aren't any better!, Zaf, no his depression is the same all year round.  I did buy him a 'light box' a couple of years back, didn't seem to help - sometimes it seems as if he doesn't want to get well, although I know that this isn't the case.  He seemed quite positive a few weeks back, looking forward to the start of the new year and spring - we always seem to get decent weather in spring.  Last night he took himself off to bed at around 6:30pm, (try explaining that to your kids!) I was still up (worrying) at 11:45, he came downstairs, hardly spoke (unless I spoke to him) and eventually came back upstairs at around 1pm.  This morning theres no change, he got up without waking me, went downstairs, made himself a drink and watched tv til me and my daughter got up, then he went back to bed!  I have loads of patience, but to be honest all this is making me ill, I feel everything I try to do is thrown back in my face (which has a permanent smile painted on it!)  I am a very positive person and even though I have had bad times myself, I try not to let it affect others, maybe thats why I find it hard to deal with.  Hubby loves me, I know that and believe me, when he is having good days he is wonderful, I always get a cup of tea in bed before I have to get up, he helps me with the housework (he is retired by the way), we have days out, life should be great, but its not. Still, I know there are people out there suffering more than us, I just love the fact that I can come on here and get some of my frustration out. See you

[Munchroom]

Welcome 24fan  :)

I hope you find as much support and encouragement here as I have. Like you say - sometimes its just good to be able to get the frustration out!

Nay xx

[Glen53]

Sometimes moods can go up and down without warning and I hope that he is just going through a temporory rough patch. Im like this at times although I do try to talk to my wife about things as much as i can. Does he ever try to talk to you and explain things?

We are here to talk if you need us, it sounds like these are tough times for you.