BPD

[Buttercup]

Trying to put the way we feel into words is so hard, when I do it all comes out sounding pathetic!

My cycles tend to last weeks/months. In between I feel relatively alright but criticism knocks me, I get very hypersensitive to it, positive comments always leave questions in my mind and no comments freaks me out! When I'm low the feelings are far more intense.

[captainkeefy]

Interesting, I can't stand it when I talk to someone and they don't respond. It makes me feel kind of invisible and really frustrated. I hate it when people waffle on at me, I want them to listen to me more than the other way round. Unless they are talking about something I'm interested in. If they talk about something I'm not interested in or about themselves I quickly seem to turn the convo to me. The thing is I enjoy talking about me but it makes me feel frustrated at the same time. Like the internal void starts opening or something. That strange hole that makes me feel empty and vulnerable like people can see straight through me like I have a deep dark secret that I'm ashamed of.

[Buttercup]

I have to say I empathise with that. I find it hard to concentrate if people waffle on too long. I tend to avoid talking to people & if I do struggle to think of things to say.

Day to day I struggle at work, if I do something I have a need to be told its right or good, the problem is this doesn't happen in the world I work in and leaves me questioning myself or asking if its ok. I over seek reassurance.

What is your therapists theory Captain K?

[captainkeefy]

I'm not sure at the moment. Things we've discussed is my abandonment issue, shame, attachment issues, faulty core belief and he was very interested in my vulnerable child personality mode and we discussed my happy child.

[Buttercup]

Interesting, it would be nice if he gave you some clues!

My assessment is to try & help with my deep anxiety about, well most things! I don't really know what to make of it.

[captainkeefy]

I get anxious quite a bit too. For what my therapist said I think anxiety comes from the vulnerable child personality mode

[Buttercup]

I can go into a blind panic over the slightest thing sometimes. The anxiety is ever present it intensifies when my mood is higher/lower than normal.

[Buttercup]

Better log off now. Night xxx

[Catbrian]

Now I'm paranoid that I've been waffling on too much!  Yesterday I did the test again. It came out much the same, but with a higher paranoia @ 90%.

I've been awake most of the night, tossing and turning, the head racing.  Imagine how I'd be without the meds.  My CPN (she's also a CBT therapist) keeps doubting the BP diagnosis, but this irritates me because she has only known me since I started the meds, so has little to go on. I may well agree, but that's not the point.

Unless it is a psychiatrists telling me an opinion/diagnosis, I am reluctant to listen to someone less qualified; who are THEY to tell US?  I feel my awareness and knowledge is such that there's not a lot they can tell me about MYSELF that I don't already know.  But, maybe that's the narcissistic side of me

BC It's natural that you're anxious about your psychological assessment.  The thought of being assessed is enough to make anyone paranoid.  Your biggest issue seems to be anxiety.

CaptK... it sounds to me like your wife has a greater understanding and is probably on the look out for tell tale signs.  I wonder if you are both too much affected by this to be able to view things as objectively.  Would there be any scope for you both getting therapy together?

I think there's a fine line between putting ideas into our head and developing a greater understanding.

Have a nice day folks!

[Buttercup]

Good one Cat, I think a lot of cpn's are used to seeing people with happy euphoric mania. Mine admitted she had seen very few with the dysphoric form & was less sure of how it manifested itself since a lot of the symptoms are fairly internal. Externally I talk faster & tend to tap feet, fiddle with my hair etc.

[captainkeefy]

I don't think I'm having too good a day today. I keep finding myself drifting off into space. I got a bath before and drifted off before I knew it the red hot bath I got into was stone cold. I find I'm avoiding people today, I'm in a low mood, not really low just unmotivated, disinterested. I feel like I'm pushing people away slightly. I'm not aware of the push so much, more the fact that my wife keeps asking me what she's done wrong, why am I giving her the silent treatment. I understand that giving someone the silent treatment is passive aggressive but it's not what I'm doing, I think I'm just clearing some space to think. I wonder if we can behave in a way we can seem 'off' to other people and not notice it some much in ourselves?

Today I'm feeling a little frustrated. Irritated inside, last night I didn't get to sleep until about 3 then had a dream my wife was cheating on me. I suppose this wont help either! I tend to have quite a lot of these dreams. I wake feeling down, good start to the day. Still no news for Therapy, hope my wife doesn't come with me. I couldn't handle her sitting criticising me at the moment. To be honest I feel like I'm giving up on my future at the moment, I need purpose, something to aim for but I keep thinking my abandonment issue will wreck any chance of achieving anything. So it's got to be therapy, when he can be arsed. Sorry for the vent

[captainkeefy]

Just wanted to show you guys something.

These are my scores in a normal mood.

Paranoid    ||||||||||||    50%    50%
Schizoid    ||||||    26%    40%
Schizotypal    ||||||||||||    42%    56%
Antisocial    ||||||    30%    46%
Borderline    ||||||||||||    50%    45%
Histrionic    ||||||||||||||||||||    90%    35%
Narcissistic    ||||||    30%    40%
Avoidant    ||||||||||||    46%    48%
Dependent    ||||||||||||||    58%    44%
Obsessive-Compulsive    ||||||||||||||    58%    45%

My scores today, in a low mood.


Paranoid   ||||||||||||||||   70%   50%
Schizoid   ||||||   26%   40%
Schizotypal   ||||||||||||||   58%   56%
Antisocial   ||||||   22%   46%
Borderline   ||||||||||||||||   62%   45%
Histrionic   ||||||||||||||||||   74%   35%
Narcissistic   ||   10%   40%
Avoidant   ||||||||||||||||   70%   48%
Dependent   ||||||||||||   50%   44%
Obsessive-Compulsive   ||||||||||||||   58%   45%

[Catbrian]

I am having a similar sort of day and thankful I only have myself to contend with.  If anyone was with me, I wouldn't be able to look them in the eye, that's a horrible feeling.

[Catbrian]

CaptK...  Interestingly, your scores still mainly tip the same balance, except the paranoia and avoidant.  You are high scored in the same traits

[captainkeefy]

I find it interesting how I didn't really notice much about my behaviour but my histrionic dropped 15% and my avoidant went up about 25% and my wife pointed out I was avoiding her. I still think my histrionic is high, if I consider my last job and my marriage in general I score so high. I wonder if it comorbidity or something. I just don't know. To be fair though a push cycle is being avoidant, just that I didn't spot it.