Good afternoon all !! - Lovely day out there... not such a good day (well, quite a few days) inside
I'm Stu, 38, and in quite a dark place....
My back story :-
After 13 - 14 years or marriage enough was enough and I left my (ex) wife and my two kids. a number of years back
A while after I landed with the most remarkable woman and have been there til the weekend when it all went a bit 'pete'...let me explain.
What with the divorce, the financial settlement, the kids being far away and having to sign over the house to 'her' this and a few other issues have taken thier toll on me.
over the past 3 years while i have been with above said girl i have gone thru a series of quite alarming mood swings and on two occaisions have 'lost it' and ended up not only hurting my self (anger more so than self harm) hurting the person i love dearly (not in any physical way shape or form, emotionally)..
The divorce etc has seriously kickd my self confidence and 'self worth' if you like. since meeting (we'll call her K from here) K she has been brilliant, been by my side and lifted me as best she could when i have been down.
it seems that the internal self destruct button is alot to do with parnoia / jealousy - my mind always races at bed times of her ex's, peoples percecption of me, whethere she'll leave me for a more 'safe bet' and other associated thoughts.. hence it takes me HOURS to get off to sleep and leaves me un rested and quite grouchy..
the two times that i have 'flipped' they have both been to my paranoia - once was to do with a text she was sending to an ex about something that he would really have no interest in....(didnt go snooping on her fone,she was doing it in the car while I was driving). when we got back home i ended up smashing my fone up (really dont know why mine, but i thought it would 'help') and thumping the work surface in the kitchen...
then the weekedn just gone, similar type story.... K went out friday night with one of her mates (female) but didnt realise she was planing to stay out til half 3.. that aside... next day goig to pick up her car i chucked some bits into the glove box and hapened across a pair of mens boxer shorts (not mine)...according to her it must have been a prank, left by one of the two random lads she gave a lift home to after the pub.............'confused'
ANYWAY....i wasnt at all happy with the reason (innocent or otheriwse) given and flipped in the car - this time head butting the interior of the car several time screaming at K to let me out of the car... she finally did after i had the belt off and the door nearly open...
all of this is down to is the fact that i have a problem with her past, and i guess - trust .....but she has given me NO reason to doubt her trust it all seems ot be the way i am and things festering til i 'pop...
so in short... Moods very much up and down (financial issues), me shutting down to people (the ones cloest to me) and the above paranoia - all of these factors added together have simply been too much for K and she really has no more to give as i have brought her down and into my downs
I never ever set out to hurt anyone, never set out to upset any one, i just want to be hapy you know ?
So,as of saturday i am now living back with my parents and have been asked by K's mum not to make contact until K is ready as I have made her terrified of me - this has knocked me for 6 i can tell you.... the whole things has scared me senseless and has been a very low and lonely few days.
i had already contacted my GP a couple of weeks back and they have referred me to a 'talking therapy' organisation - prob is, that is 'there' and i am now down here 70 odd miles away..
my mother was that concerned that she has got me an appt. at my old GP's down here to see what they can do to help me.
i have probably missed loads - but the above is a quite over view of things on Planet Stu..
Cheers
StuartG...
