one of the symptoms/problems of experiencing depression for me is that things/interests which afre usually my life blood become really difficult.music is one-whilst im not a musician,im not just a passive fan.at various times in my life ive been actively involved with music as a promoter/manager,campaigner,teacher/writer.music really is mostly lifeblood and soundtrack.
it can enhance and contribute to mood change but when im depressed like now it either turns ash grey like dust and any imaginative,creative response i might have is emptied out or i find myself ine th difficult maelstrom of alienation-distress-rage which for me is the key symbol of my depression.
i dont want to feel sorry for myself though.given my professional background and training,when in depression i find my tendency/ability to self observe with a distorted kind of interest,really extremely irritating.so if im stuck with it im determined to make it useful.
that said the effort required,to self observe and engage in any activity that ius usually important for me,is in turn really exhausting.
i dont mean to be perverse,but im just glad that "happiness",whatever that is,is not particularly important to me.being authentic and living a life fully is much more important for me.
