I'm struggling just to get through each day

[Butterfly girl]

Hi there

I've not posted on this forum before so I thought I might as well say hello.

I've been suffering with depression on and off for about 25 years. I'm not taking any medication at the moment, although I have been on a variety of anti-depressants over the years.

I'm in the midst of a particularly bad period at the moment, which is why I'm posting on here.

I work from home as a freelancer and I've recently lost half my work and income. It's hit me in a huge way and I've been having almost daily panic attacks interspersed with really black depression. I rang the Samaritans the other day because I was literally getting hysterical.

I have a wonderful husband, who is upbeat, positive and believes in me. Yet I'm in a pit of despair and struggling just to get through each day at the moment.

I feel like my life has been a failure. I'm nearly 40 and while most of my friends now have young families, we never had children. I kept dithering about the idea and in a way I think I would have been a terrible mother, but I'm full of regrets and sadness. Having lost half my job I feel like even more of a failure as I'm struggling to get by and my husband is having to support us both. Working from home was always my dream as I hated being in an office, but now I feel very isolated and lonely. Nothing ever makes me happy. Whenever I get something that I think I want - like working from home - I always end up miserable.

Sometimes just the everyday business of living seems too much for me to cope with. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

I'm sorry this is so bleak. I don't know what else to say. I can't really say these things out loud to anyone.

[Pip]

 :welcome:

Opening up about depression face to face or on a forum is hard to do the first time but it can get easier.  The emotions you are going through are normal for people who suffer with depression so you're not alone in that respect.  It's good that your husband is supportive as having support is needed.

Not having children is something that we have in common with you although our situation is different to yours.  If you go on the adoption board then you will get a better understanding of our situation as I do have a son who is 32 years old.  My husband and I wanted children together but it didn't happen.  We did eventually find out why and adoption or foster care wasn't something we wanted to do.  Long story behind that one.  I sometimes wonder how many woman fell they would be a bad mother yet probably would have been good mothers.

I hope your job situation improves as that's not helping your mood either.

[Butterfly girl]

Thank you for replying Pip. I just feel so horribly alone at the moment, so I appreciate you taking the time to acknowledge me.

I keep feeling all choked up and sad when I see mums and kids together as I'm realising what I've missed out on. My husband and I don't know many people without children and I always feel that we stick out like a sore thumb at family gatherings.

I wish I had something else in my life to focus on and feel happy about. I used to be a keen runner and loved the outdoors until I injured my knee last year and now I can't run and can't even go on long walks. It probably sounds overly dramatic but I feel like a part of me has died. It used to make me so happy going hill walking and running and now that's all gone.

Now that I've lost half my job I don't know where I'm going in life any more. It's like everything has collapsed around me.

[Grace]

Hello Butterfly1

I totally agree with what Pip wrote ..... but given your history and presumably present depression how about going to your GP and exlapin how you're feeling. Feeling depressed on top of what you're going through is truly difficult.
Antidepressants are not happiness drugs, they just help you to function better and ultimately to be yourself. Unfortunately depression is a sickness that has to be constantly monitored!
I wish you all the best!!
Grace

[stewart]

Hi Butterfly, welcome to the forums.
it can be hard when ones income is cut, fortunatly your hubby is upbeat, positive and believes in you, having that makes things easier to deal with.

it might be worth a trip th your doc and have a chat with hom, there are many anti d's around and a mild one might help you out some
they can take a week or so kick in, so dont give up on them after a few days.
also toyr doc can try you on a combination of meds that may help.

on a closing note, see if you have a MIND office in your area, they have some great support workers who can often put you on the right path

stew

[Butterfly girl]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I just don't know if my GP is going to be of any help. I went to see them last year and was referred for CBT. I don't feel that it really helped me because all the techniques just go out the window when something goes wrong. For example when I lost half my job I just completely flipped out and went hysterical. I couldn't even think about making lists or thought balancing.

I've been on antidepressants half my life. They numb me and give me strange side effects sometimes like getting dizzy and not being able to think straight. I feel like nothing will help. Sorry to be so negative.

[Pip]

CBT doesn't work for everybody.  It helped me in regards to shops when they are busy as I suffer with anxiety.  I've been on three anti depressants.  The first was increased to such a high level that I felt like a zombia.  The next one I had was citalopram which stopped working for me.  Now I am on sertraline which is helping generally considering I have had to deal with health issues.  It's worth seeing your GP to have a discussion over meds, it may be a case of tweaking them.

It's not a problem you being negative as we all go through that feeling.  I would rather you be honest.