Hello, everyone.

[Arbitrarian]

So yes... depression is a bit &$%+. Honestly I didn't know how to start this. I've never done any forum posting of any kind, but today was... a rather bad day, so I thought I would give this a go.

Started this whole misadventure when I was about 15 (I'm 22 now). I was performing badly in school and one of my English teachers, a man I had enormous respect for, noticed there were peaks and troughs in my school performance. Basically I would get homework and either do it and do it well, or not do it at all. After a chat and some rather fatherly advice he suggested I talk to my GP about what was happening. That was when I was diagnosed, so to speak. My GP put me on citalopram, and I took it for a month and didn't repeat my prescription. I never really noticed a difference in my mood, you see. Even though my GP warned me that this would be the case at first I just did what I always do and became disillusioned with the whole thing.

Fast forward to 18, not turning up to exams, not doing my university applications, drinking more than was entirely necessary. I was a bit of a mess. So I did another set of citalopram, 2 months this time, but then the same thing happened and I gave it up.

Last year I was 21, living with a couple of friends of mine and generally having an unpleasant time of it. I rarely slept during that time, rarely ate, lost about 5 stone and spent the lions share of my time playing computer games and listening to the Doors (not a symptom, I just really like the Doors). So I left the house I shared with my pals, moved in with my sister, claimed disability allowance and went on the citalopram with a vengeance. It was going well, I was 3 months in and generally feeling good about the whole thing. Then one night I was sitting at my desk when I was suddenly overcome with... a complete lack of sensation. Honestly, if had the ability to feel anything it would have been terrifying, but I was completely and utterly stupefied. I don't know how long I was sitting there, doing nothing, but I finally realised why some people self harm at that moment, something I hadn't understood until then. I didn't, thankfully. I managed to shake myself out of the episode, but it was the scariest moment of my life.

For some reason I thought the pills were the cause, and I immediately stopped taking them, and for a while I was fine. I was still low, but it was manageable. Recently things have been going well. I'm employed, I've had some passing luck with women and I've been generally feeling quite good about everything.

Then March happened, and it all came crashing down. I still go to work, but I broke up with my girlfriend because I didn't want her to see me. I've been short with those I love and I haven't been going out at all, unless it's to go to work. I think I'm also dangerously close to forming a drinking habit as well. It's like the same sensation I get when I haven't smoked a cigarette for a while, if anyone gets that. This morning I actually walked 2 miles to an all-night off license just to get a drink...

Anyway, that's what I've got going on. Does anyone have any advice? Should I visit my GP AGAIN (the poor bloke) and get another prescription or just tough it out and hope things get better? Honestly, I haven't felt this grim in years. And sorry for rambling, I never really get the chance to talk about this stuff.

[stewart]

Hi Arbitrarian, welcome to the forume.
sounds like you had a goood teacher there to guide you to the doctor.

as many on here will tell you depression can be like a swing, terrable days and just not as bad days, you could try other meds as citalopram is just one of many out there
sometime the body needs a combination of meds, citalopream and mirtazapine for example.

how are you finding your sleep pattern? my sleep was so bad the doc gave me amytripaline.

stew

[Sweetpea]

Hello Arbitarian and welcome, I had never used forums before coming here. But in desperation I came on here. I have found it a great support. Sharing with others who understand helped me greatly.  It means we do not feel alone.

My advice is to go and have a talk with your Dr again.  As Stewart has already said there are many different medications. Citalopram tends to be the drs first choice.  Also maybe enquire about counselling or self help groups.  I personally used MIND to be a great help.  Also as I have said coming onto this forum and sharing and getting advice from other sufferers of depression.

X x

[Pip]

I agree with the others that it's worth seeing your GP about different medication.  The first one I was on was increased to the point I didn't feel depressed but I felt like a zombie.  Unfortunately by the time I felt like this we had moved and our GP didn't believe in depression / prexcribing anti depressants and refused to let me try another one    I coped for four years then tried citalopram which worked for several months then stopped helping.  Now I'm on Sertraline which is helping as I've had a bad start to the year with health problems and one of our dogs being put to sleep due to bone cancer.

Depression can be very isolating though as you've found out from your own experience.

[JC]

Hi Arbitrarian

Sorry you have had such a bad time recently.

Other than going to work I also isolate myself from people, I am so irritable that I think it is best I do not see or speak to anyone; that way I can avoid doing or saying anything to hurt them. I also drink alcohol as a means to get through the days and, so far, I have never wanted a drink during the day. However, I do feel the need to have a drink most evenings and I sometimes worry about dependency, it is something I have discussed with my GP and we are keeping a close eye on my 'habit'.

I would advise the same as the others here,  go see your GP and tell them everything, including the alcohol issue, and hopefully s/he will be able to offer you the appropriate support.

I hope coming here helps you, people are very friendly, supportive and always willing to ‘listen’ and offer advice.

[PaulaJo]

Hello Arbitrarian, and sorry for the delayed welcome :)

It sounds like you've had such a rough time. You have done well to pull through and to look after yourself, especially in the form of getting away from the negative influence of your friends and moving in with your sister.
The fact that you recognise the symptoms is a very big help - recognising what needs to change is often such a challenge.

I would agree, ask to see your GP again, and maybe see if he can put you on a waiting list for CBT or talking therapy in your area?
I can also highly recommend the book "Manage Your Mind" - yes it is a self-help book (insert usual cringe  ) but very helpful.

I'm not on here very much (just returned from a 15-month sabbatical) but I do wish you the best for your recovery. I'm sure you'll find the forums are full of supportive people, and the fact that they've experienced it too is a big help.