hi all.

[all alone]

hi all,
my name is gary and im 39, i have had depression from the age of 15 and about a year ago i was also diagnosed with BDD also (body dysmorphic disorder), as you can tell by my forum name "all alone" thats the way i have been since school when i had no friends, and used to get bullied IE: beat up and called all sorts, so a few times i bunked off school cos i couldnt stand the bullying anymore and i didnt wanna tell my parents, and one day i told my dad i was sick so he let me stay off and he took me with him to my uncles house.but as he was reversing his car i was sat in the middle of the back seat and he shouts will you move out the way you ugly cunt, its still clear in my mind as if it was today he said it..so all day i was on a downer, as soon as i got home i got some tablets from the cupboard got a glass of water and went to my room, i locked the door and took all the tablets as i didnt wanna be here anymore esp after hearing your own flesh n blood say that to ya,i was hopin i would die,i went asleep but woke up about an hour later and was sick everywhere, im gonna be truthful now, im actually crying as im writing this out..

anyway since the age of 15 till now i have tried takin my own life on four occasions, once by hanging but got caught as soon as i stepped off the stairs.and the others by overdose, i live on my own now and have done for 5 years the last time i tried to OD was about 6 months ago, i mixed all my anti depress tabs with my sleeping tabs in a bowl of soup and i felt myself drifting off but again i woke up and was sick everywhere i didnt do anything i just laid on the floor for 2 days solid and i couldnt go the toilet as i cudnt pee even though i wanted too, in the end i phoned my doc to say i cant pee and straight away he knew i done something and an ambulance came to my house and took me to hospital and after a day i was seen by a psychiatrist and i said to him please put me away i dont want to live,but he wouldnt do it, i take my med everyday but not a day goes by were i dont think of killing myself, i still have no friends and i very rarely go out.im in so much pain mentally its unreal, i read a few peoples stories on here before i decided to join and they give me the will so to speak to write about the way my life has been so far..i dont know what it is like to be happy,and please no one say im selfish for trying to kill myself as you dont know what i have been through..sorry about the long introduction..

[George]

Hey Gary  !"£

You're not selfish, not in my mind anyway. You've had a hard time of it though, it's been a bitch for you but you're still here with us so good on you for that!!!

Sometimes the best thing for our problems is just to talk about it so get in here regularly and tell us what's happening, how it's going and all that, ok. I certainly find that it helps to talk to people here about how it's getting me down so stick around, eh.

Speak to you soon 

[lightenup]

Hi Gary a warm !"£ to the forum, and no you are not selfish.  I admire that you have come and joined the forum, and gave an account of your past and your feeling, this is very difficult. No one on this forum is on here to judge you and we can try and lend support whenever we can. I have tried a few times, and am glad I didn't succeed.

By telling your account of your life you will help to make others understand they are MAD and these are real feelings of depression.  I am sorry to say your father is absolutly hideous in the way he treated you.  People are so hurtful and especially when your young these statements imprint deeply in your brain.

Are you getting any help now, are there any support groups in your area.  Maybe something to look into when your feeling better.  At the moment personally I would go into a mouse hole to stay away from people .  Please please please stay on the forum, help others and help yourself, sometimes people just pop in and out depending how well they are feeling take care.

[tilly]

Not sure what to say to you, but when I read your intro I actually felt your pain in my heart. That sounds so stupid but it's true, it's sitting there like a lump of lead right now. I feel like you do, every minute of every day the thoughts of killing myself are there, on good days they're in the background grumbling away but on bad days they push to the front and stamp on any other thoughts. For me, the only reason I'm still here is my son and, to be brutally honest, sometimes that doesn't feel like it will always be enough. I'm taking meds, seeing all sorts of doctors, exercising, eating well and trying really hard to get better but I know the depression will always come back, even if it goes for a bit. Don't know if I'm strong enough to live such a &$%+ life for much longer.

I'd love so much to be able to help you and make you better but there's no magic wand. But at least we know we're not the only ones feeling this way and it is the illness that's a pile of crap, not us. Take care of yourself, and keep me posted on how you are.

x

[all alone]

hi everyone,

thanx for the warm welcome, i have a question, my mental health advocate wants me to go and see this specialist in warrington who deals with BDD, but the thing thats freakin me out is its group sessions, and i dont do groups.i can only do one on one as i get paranoid cos if there are quite a few people then i think there lookin at me and sayin stuff to themselves about me. i really need to see this specialist to see what he has to say but i dont wanna sit in a group, my heads up my bum, i know ill start panicking and all sorts if i see lots of people, i told my MHA this but she says there isnt another option, i dunno what to do about this.what do you people think?

can i also ask does anyone else suffer with BDD on here?..

[Grant]

Hi Gary,

I know it really sucks to be going through what you are, and I know how fighting spirit seems to disappear - but you have to ask yourself a really important question:  Do you WANT to be happy (or better)?

The reason I ask is this:  If you WANT your life to improve, it simply will not happen by doing the same thing you've been doing for the past 15 years.  The only way is to try new approaches.  Think about it rationally - do you actually have a COMFORT ZONE?  You dont seem comfortable with life in general, so doing something ELSE uncomfortable shouldnt be much worse than where you currently are. Right?
But if you choose to do those things - to step out and leave yourself exposed - you give yourself the outside CHANCE of something changing - and that change could be good.

I know its hard, but look at it from this angle:  What's the worst thing that could happen, vs what's the BEST thing that could happen.  Maybe its worth the risk?

Good luck.