Hi all,
My name is And, I'm new on here.....so Hello
I've suffered from depression since for as long as I can remember, I'm 36 now, so quite a while, I've been on and off (mainly on) medication since the age of 21. I'm not on any medication at the moment but think that maybe I should be, but i don't want to go back to the doctors as i seem to have developed a problem with going out ( I panic....a lot).
I've been married since i was 20 and have two children, who are growing up fast. My youngest who's 12 has ADHD and ASD and can be a bit of a
handful. Most day's I just feel empty, I go no where, speak to no one, just wonder about the house.
I've always tried to hide my depression, put on a smile, don't let people see just how bad I'm feeling, i don't want them to worry about me.
The past few years have been a bit of a roller coaster, in brief, my husband and I split up about two years ago, he had issues with my eldest son, always having a go at him, bringing him down, this was really bringing my son down, as it had gone on for a while, i asked my husband to get help, to speak to someone about why he always felt the need to belittle our son, he didn't get help said it wasn't him it was our son that caused the problems, i asked him more times to get help or i would take the children and leave, which i did. We were apart for 6 months in which time i made it a condition that if he wanted to see his kid's then he had to come to family Counseling, which he did, they get on much better now. During the split he was going to my parents and telling them lie's about what i was doing (i was doing nothing....i hadn't got the energy) they believed him because i wouldn't tell them anything as i didn't think it involved them, so now they don't really speak to me. I didn't see it happening at the time. 6 months after we split we started to get back together, me and the kid's moved back into the house, it was then i started to find out the lies he was telling me, 12 months before i left he had started meeting up with a woman, (who he claims was just a friend, I've seen emails and text's on an old phone which would suggest it was more than just friends). We have been back together for about a year and he has done nothing but lie, I've had to dig to find out what i know.
I think i would feel better if we moved away, started afresh, one minute he says we can move, then makes excuses why we can't, then we can, then we can't. It brings me down. I've told him needs to show me some commitment, he say's he will but never does. I don't trust him!
I find it harder everyday to find a point to it all......but i have kid's so I owe it to them to be around. It feels like a prison, not just being stuck in the house but being stuck in my head, i used to have highs and lows, but just lately it just seems like one long low and i can't pull myself out. It feels like I'm slipping away, but I'm not doing anything to stop it, I'm just letting it happen.
Sorry for going on......think I'm having a feel sorry for myself day
.
Thanks for reading And
