Hi from 1st timer to this

[alone]

Hi everyone
I'm new to this forum but have been reading some of the messages whilst waiting for my confirmation details.
I had a really bad weekend last weekend and could have done with chatting to someone but had to wait until I could log in to say so! :)
Well, where do I start, my life changed a few years ago when I lost my older and most special sister anyone could have wished for, she had leaukemia and I was her bone marrow donor, unfortunately she did not make it as there were complications, this was quite a few years ago and I'm not quite sure I've dealt with it yet.
I'm left with a lot of guilt, I know it sounds stupid but I don't have children, I've always been the clever, shy, "good" little sister whilst she was the life of the party - I've never struggled for anything in my life - she had so many difficult times, but she left behind 3 very, very special daughters I think of as my own.
Why did she have to go? Why am I left behind? I moved to the UK a few years ago and then to complicate matters worse I've been through a tough time in my marriage where we tried for children and guess what, we drifted further apart because of "the pressure", my husband is a good man but not very open, I think it became quite clear to him that I'm different from most people in that I seem over sensitive but I've always known I suffer from depression. A few years ago I felt as if I was having a breakdown and went to the GP, he was a horrible man and basically told me, your sister is not coming back, there's nothing you can do about it and gave me anti-depressants which was the only good thing he did for me. I was on them for a few months and they really made a big difference to me in a positive way. I'm going to see my GP on Monday, another one, as I've never been to this one before as we seem to see a different one every time we go to the surgery. I've realised that I need to go on anti-depressants again as I've been longing for it all to end. I have not told anyone this but secretly I've been thinking I might get hold of a lot of sleeping pills and take them all one day but after reading up on what actually happens I'm cutting that option out. I've never tried to end it all but have always thought that I would probably go on my own accord. I'd like to hear from anyone who could possibly relate and by the way - I'm really glad I joined and wish you all better times ahead - alone

[Ezel]

 !"£ It sounds like you need bereavement counselling as well to deal with your sister's death.  On top of this you've  had to deal with moving, marriage problems and not having children.  All this has had a real effect on your life so you need help dealing with it all.

[alone]

Thanks for your reply.
I guess I've always known I should have gone for counselling, there's so much more I could have typed about other experiences I've had that have affected me in a way no-one around me can even comprehend but I'm hoping that when I go the GP I'll be able to be referred for counselling and hopefully get some anti-depressants to help me through this. Work is really stressful at the moment and full on - that I can handle but I don't do well with conflict between colleagues and sometimes situations in an office can compound things and then it all builds up. Other people seem to just let things go but I have this annoying knack for storing and mulling and going over things which I then internalise and keep on trying to find justification in myself, I'm always taking things on myself and second-guessing myself and my actions. I'm not happy and I've always, always felt like I don't belong, no matter how much friendship and love I am shown I've now come to the point where I think of a few people as my friends but deep down cannot really believe that people show other people genuine love & caring, I know I sound very pessimistic but it's all I can do to cope at the moment - to not allow myself to believe in any genuine emotion. It just hurts too much when you feel let down by those around you and I guess like a lot of people on this forum when we try to confide in friends or close family we can only go on so much before they either dismiss us as being over-sensitive or paranoid, so I'm hoping I don't bore you all too much but it's just good to be able to put it out there.