Irrational Beliefs of Self....

[ivanlc]

Hello All.

My car was hit by a bus which didn't stop at a red traffic light, and I suffered a severe head injury. A the time I felt lucky to have survived.

Now I think I wish I hadn't.

That was in 2000 and since then, I'd (seemingly) come along in leaps and bounds. I'd suffered depression periodically - normal after HI (head injury), as I your whole life changes/is taken away - but it's nearly a decade on now, and recently, I fallen into the worst depression I've ever known.
Though I have my own house, I've recently realised I hate being there, as it just reminds me how alone I am and how much room I have to *think* about what's not filling the empty spaces - which is not helping me.
I've begun staying with my parents, and though not ideal, at least I'm not alone.

I've had professional HI rehab help from the start, so I've not had to struggle trying to resume a "normal" life post HI, as many have, and subsequently failed. So I've been "lucky" in this and many other ways, but just recently, I've started to think otherwise.

The daily torments I put myself through are utterly ridiculous; I won't watch things like X-Factor a) cos these show hack me off anyway, and b) for some reason, I've fallen into this psychological rut where I see someone who has a talent or is successful and I tear myself apart because I feel *so* much less worthy because it highlights just how incapable I tell myself I am.

And with depression anyway, you're less motivated to do *anything* so this simply compounds the feeling.

I don't hate myself yet, but I'm afraid that one day, this will change.

The same thing happens when I hear news reports about things like Lewis Hamilton's successes or some other sports personality's great talents/ability. I don't even *like* sports, so WTF????!!!
But the self-flaggelation occurs all the same.

The fact that the largest % of the planet is normal and are not talented superstars and just have normal, everyday lives, means nothing; all that I can see is that fact that I'm so much less than I seem to feel I should be.

Truth, rationality and logic don't work because they're all within the sphere of my own mind, and as long as that is the case, this "darkness" in my head will simply refute any "arguments" I throw at it. It requires someone/something from without to apply the logic/agruments in order to stand any chance of being sated.

Does this sound familiar or make sense to *anyone*??? Or am I just one hell of a basket case and alone in my insanity??

I'm seeing one way out, of course, but a) the finality of it scares me and b) I'd not do to that to my family who would never, ever recover - especially my mother.

And the fact that it's nearly Xmas - when you're *supposed* to be happy - is only making the situation all the more dark.

As I said, I guess the reason I'm baring my soul like this is because I want to know if anyone else here has issues fighting untruths which their mind has convinced them are true and which are subsequently leaving them with - or compounding - depression.

 $%^

Apologies for the length of this, but I just wanted to be sure I wasn't misunderstood...(!)

i.

[Ezel]

 ^&*  I haven't felt exactly the same way as you you do but some things are similar.  I do understand what it is like to feel little self worth and at times it is a battle to belief in myself.

[Yosra]

Yeah, same. I'm 19 now but my parents have been very violent and instilled it in my mind that I'm worthless. It's hard to ignore, even though I've moved away to university.

Hey, if things like the X Factor or Lewis Hamilton depress you, don't watch them! I know it may sound trivial, and of course, I don't have the same circumstances as you, but sometimes when things get bleak I try to watch something that will make me laugh. I tend to try and tackle things by distraction.

And you're not worthless at all. You shouldn't let people surrounding you feel that. You've had a hard time and you're taking it, you're trying to amend your problems. Moving back with your parents, asking people online: in short trying to alleviate the circumstances a bit. Well done for that.

[ivanlc]

Hi Yosra.

Firstly, I have to thank you and Ezel for replying. I re-read my post later and thought it may have sounded like I was whining because I wasn't a celebrity!!!  &*( This, of course, wasn't the case at all; I just meant that that seeing/hearing of them reminds me how much less than "normal" I rate myself.

Anyway, what I wanted to say Yosra was that this is what I don't get; my parents have been the complete opposite of how yours sound (which you have my deepest sympathies for; I've always maintained that the single biggest factor that will screw *anyone* up the most are their parents. I wish there was some sort of vetting process to weed out parents like yours and prevent them from having offspring who will just suffer throughout their lives; kind of like a proficiency test), but still I see now that a core problem has been that I perceive others as having more value than myself, for some reason.

 

!???!

I have to say though, that the depression finally lifted yesterday - and for that I'm grateful - but I know I'll be back down there again at some point in the future, as it's happened too many times now. But my problem, as indicated in my first post, is thanks to a "bash to the head", which has disrrupted the chemical levels in my brain; more so than the "average" (if such a thing exists) head injury.

Now, the following is NOT meant to sound self-pityng, just pointing out the facts, as most people are unaware of symptoms of head injury - but the best I can do is manage mood by getting adequate rest and not overdoing it. Trouble is, sometimes life just doesn't allow - or prepare you - for that, so then you've just gotta deal and accept the consequences. 

Then, because I get *so* happy to have finally come out of a depressive episode, I become elated (akin to a drug induced high), want to take on the world, inevitably overdo things, tire myself out and then we're back to square one.

I almost set myself up again yesterday, but my mum, fortunately, reminded me that I was taking on too much, as next week is a busy week, at which point I stepped back and saw what she was saying. Had she not, the cycle would have once again repeated...

For those in the know, it's semi-symptomatic of bipolar disorder; I'm seeing a psychologist later, fortunately, so I'm gonna put this to him and see what he says.

And with regards to NOT watching celebs; believe me, I don't! Not interested in the slightest. But I do watch the news, for example, and people who achieve feature on that all the time in all shapes and sizes. And just generally, I can find belittlement in anything because of the way my mind works.

Here's an example:

Yesterday I went to my final guitar lesson. I've had a guitar and other instruments for nearly 2 decades, but never had the long term interest in learning to play them; it always waned.

So, post head injury, out comes the mind effectively telling me "if you'd only kpet up the playing, now you've got less to do during the days, you could have been making music". And it just would not stop. Eventually, I tried - twice - to get back into learning, but again, interest waned. But *still*, the "voice" persisted. So I paid £60 for what should have been 5 guitar lessons; not so much to learn, but just so I could say to "the mind"; "ok. I've tried getting lessons; dedicated playing time each week, and STILL wasn't interested in playing. NOW SHUT THE **** UP AND STOP EATING AT ME!!!".
I started off all keen of course, and then didn't go for 3 weeks. Yesterday, I dragged myself there, because I felt I was messing the tutor about, but just couldn't do anything. So I said as much, and we called in quits. He was brilliant and very encouraging about it, fortunately.

So if these are the kind of lengths I have to go to assuage my mind under normal cicumstances, can you imagine what it's like when I'm depressed??

Ok. I've waffled on enough. Thanks for taking the time to read. I gotta go see this psychiatrist. Hell, maybe he might even have me sectioned...

i.

[Yosra]

I'm sure you won't be sectioned! XP

I understand about the ups and downs thing though, but not for the same reasons. A few people including some of my teachers thought I had bipolar tendencies, because I'd be so happy in the moment (I've sort of trained myself to put bad things to the back of my mind for the good of others and my work - probably not a good thing) and then it'd all collapse again on my way home.

But hey, it was a good thing that your mum triggered something there which caused you to put things into perspective a bit. Perhaps you need to think like that more often? I don't mean to over-simplify, I know as much as anyone that these things are not easy. But it is good to hope that we can all learn to deal with our problems a little. :)

[Sandywood]

I think you're lacking a serious amount of self-respect, for one thing. It is easily said but you need to be kind to yourself and be patient with yourself. I think this is the starting point of any recovery - it's ok to be you - you are special and great no-matter who you are. Unless you're Hitler or someone lol. But you get my meaning.